I Didn't Climb the Grind Yesterday

Who you surround yourself with makes all the difference. Yesterday I met all kinds of people on my trip uphill. As I was climbing and struggling, I could compare the Grind to my cancer journey. 

Cancer is an uphill climb. There are some really difficult parts of the climb and other spots that aren't as difficult. It's all hard but there can be so much beauty on the journey. The path is windy and each person travels up it in a unique way. Within certain boundaries, you choose your steps. Sometimes the better path involves making lots of little steps and at other times, the only option is to take one big step and trust. And when the terrain gets even harder the options might include crawling up the steps on hands and knees or being pulled up by the outstretched hand.

On this cancer journey I feel incredibly thankful for those of who have surrounded me. You have helped keep me grounded in today and encouraged me as I looked to tomorrow. You've pointed me upward and to the end of the climb. While we may not always agree on where to step, you've continued to surround me and love on me. There will be a time when I finish this climb with cancer. I can see you cheering me on to the finish line (and what a celebration that will be!)... but for now, I'll keep on climbing.

With that understanding, I didn't climb the Grind yesterday. I was physically there and I definitely climbed up the Grind. But the only reason that I was able to get up the climb is because I was pulled up by my husband. I was encouraged by other climbers both with words and by their tenacity. I was lifted by prayers that I could not hear. Thank you for surrounding me as I'm on this climb. I cannot, or rather, I do not want to go through this journey on my own. I may not get to see & thank each of you personally. Thank you for making a difference in my life.

Climbing

Lots of beauty

Of All the Stupid Things to Do...

I've done some pretty stupid stuff into life. Running a marathon (because my dad said I couldn't) & my recent falls are some of those stupid things. It's just that now I have to report these things to my doctor. He's going to smirk with my news when I see him on Friday.

Seventeen years ago five of us went on a "walk" or "hike" (that's what I was told it was anyway... I'd just come to university from the Prairies where anything other than flat was called a hike). As we basically climbed up wooden/root/rock "stairs," I  learned that the Grouse Grind was more than a simple walk.

Here the data as to why the Grouse Grind is NOT a walk.

Trail Facts

Length: 2.9 kilometres (1.8 miles) 

Elevation Gain: 853 metres (2,800 feet) 

Base: 274 metres above sea level (900 feet)

Summit: 1,127 metres (3,700 feet) 

Total Stairs: 2,830 

So one of the things on my bucket list was to either do the Grind or the Chief. And I thought the Grind might be the better option.

This morning my husband and I had a "date" which involved spending a lot of time climbing up big "stairs." Thanks to me & my physical abilities, we were passed by young children, men and women carrying children & 80+ year olds. It was quite the adventure for me to try to get my legs up the "stairs" but I had my faithful husband beside me to pull me up when my body tried to go downhill.

Absolutely no record times were made. I probably rested more than I climbed. Some serious people lept up the stairs past us and didn't even appear to be breathing hard or working up a sweat. But we made it!

Chalk this up to one more stupid thing I've done. I can't wait to tell my doctor (And if you see me in the next week, gentle hugs please... I'm pretty sure I'm going to have some insanely sore muscles... and I can't blame it on cancer or chemo).

The beginning of the pain & stupidity

While I was enjoying myself

Later... Xhevat's eagerness with the "stairs"

My "eagerness" at the same time

We did it!

Worth the effort... beautiful BC!

Like My First Day

Just after my brain metastases were diagnosed, I lost a lot of strength, feeling, & endurance. The cancer in and around my brain was unpredictable and could do irreversible damage very quickly. Based on how advanced the lesions were in my head and all of the physical side effects that I was having, I think my doctor thought things would go downhill quickly. He said average life expectancy was six months.

I was both shocked and determined. Shocked that things had gotten so bad that quickly. Shocked at the prognosis. Grieving. But yet I was determined to not just allow my diagnosis to wreck my days (determination is my stubbornness put to good use). 

Looking back, we travelled to Kosova when I was at my weakest & most tired. Although I still tire often and can't keep up to Matias as I used to, I'm doing really well. My parents and sister stepped in and have cared for Matias when Xhevat was working. I've had friends and relatives come and visit (physically and through Skype) and did not know if I should be saying "goodbye" or "see you later."

Average life expectancy for me is another month. It's an extremely sobering thought and it seems so surreal based on how I'm feeling. My sister has said that I've been an outlier both in my diagnoses & responses to treatment... and so I hope to be an outlier on the far side of six months.

In fact, I've been feeling so well recently that I encouraged my parents to let me try to take care of my son for the day. They could return home a day earlier than planned. I had plans to see friends. I'd text my husband every hour to let him know things were ok.

The potential unpredictability of my cancer hasn't changed but we have a plan in place, I currently have the strength and it seems like a reasonable plan.

Just saying, I'm really proud of myself. While I was more nervous today than the day I brought my infant son home from the hospital, I did it! I showered, took care of my son, made breakfast and lunch (and dinner is in the crock pot), put in a load of laundry and went on a play date! And then we napped.

I'm still very aware that things could change for the worse rather quickly but I'm ok right now... and so I'm going to live fully today. 

Please keep on praying for us:

- for stable cancer and/or complete healing

- continued strength to get through each day's joys & struggles

- wisdom in knowing if I can care for Matias and when I should get help

- my husband, son and family (my cancer has changed their lives and they need your prayers & support)

- safety for my family as they travel here & home

- living each day with purpose

- gratefulness for being able to care for myself & my boy today

A Benefit of Cancer: my cousin sends fun & yummy gifts from Calgary via my aunt & uncle. I love my family's thoughtfulness! If you need delicious sweets & treats and live in Calgary, let me know cause I know people in the business.

My Day of Rest

It's hard to describe my day yesterday... a whole bunch of new experiences and overall, a great day!

Getting Bigger

We dropped our boy off at Sunday School in the 2s & 3s classroom. It is completely logical that he should be in that room but this was his first time with a lesson, craft, etc. As I haven't had much of an immune system, he hasn't been in any "classes" or such (other than the nursery) that would involve phrases as "criss cross applesauce" or circle time. I'll be learning a whole new language. When I asked how he'd done, I was told he was "full of energy." Yup, that's my boy! He came home with a picture he'd coloured and a list of verses that they'll be focusing on (and that he can memorize). My little boy is growing up! 

Assembly Required

We went off to Ikea in the afternoon & picked up a few things. They say that putting together Ikea furniture can be taxing on a relationship. Although we occasionally disagreed on what the next step was (me with the instruction manual & my husband with his construction intuitiveness), we had a blast! It was great to put together a piece of furniture together... and the final product doesn't look too shabby!

Thee, Thou, Dost

I had the privilege of experiencing Bard on the Beach for the first time last night. A Shakespearean play performed under a big top tent on the beach at sunset. And even better than that, I got to experience it with three friends who were old pros of the Bard on the Beach.

Cymbaline (the name of the play). Seven actors. 30ish characters. An interesting & twisting plot. Amazing acting & quick costume changes. Interaction with the audience. A whole lot of laughter (and caffeine as I was up way past my bedtime). Just a great end to a great day.

Time with God & my church family. Time with family. Time with friends. I couldn't have asked for a better day of rest.

Whachoo doon?

I was changing my boy's diaper yesterday morning when he looked straight at me and said, "Whachoo doon?" (for those who don't speak my boy's attempt at the English language, he said "What are you doing?"). I couldn't help but let out a little giggle as I was doing what I've done hundreds or possible thousands of times before.

It's really easy to get caught up in the tasks of the day, like changing diapers, and lose sight of why we do what we do each day.

While having lunch with a friend, I had an opportunity to see some of the ways that God is using His story in my life to impact others. When I've had my down days, I've asked Him if He would show me what He's doing. It's been a while since I've asked but yesterday He gave me a glimpse through my friend and a new friend, and it has reminded me of purpose that has come from my cancer.

So today when you're doing your routine tasks that seem monotonous, meaningless or even painful, know that He can use what you're doing to change a heart. And if you can't see what He's doing... ask Him... "Whachoo doon?" You never know, He just might tell you.

Bottoms Up

It's an odd feeling to want and even crave chemo. Last week my neutrophils were too low to receive chemo. This week they were still on the low side and I wasn't sure whether it would be possible to start my fourth cycle of chemo today.

Getting your results early can be both a blessing and a trial. Last week I got my CT results the day before my appointment. The CT results were mostly very good news (but also added a few questions to my list). I slept fine the night before my appointment and was totally at peace (and even a little excited) going into my doctor's office.

Yesterday evening I got my blood results online. My neutrophils had not come up very much... and my mind started to whirl. What was protocol for this chemo? Could I get chemo with that number of neutrophils? Could I repeat bloodwork today and maybe they'd come up enough? Is there anything I can do to try and get my neuts up this next week? Would my doctor suggest waiting another week or would he take me off chemo completely and that would be the end of this round?

So many questions. And no answers.

And all that you can do at night when the lights go off and you're supposed to be lying still and your brain is jumping from one thought to another is worry. Let's just say that I'm glad to have had a sleeping pill and an app that helps put me to sleep.

I wake up this morning to happy toddler sounds. My mind starts to wander and I try to reel it back in. I thought I'd busy myself by finding some videos to put on a USB for Matias to watch. On that USB I found the video I'd made earlier this summer about my bracelet and all those that are praying and caring for me. After watching that video (almost in tears), I was watching some clips from Veggie Tales (for Matias, of course). The two ones that stuck out to me were "The Thankfulness Song" and "Hope's Song."

I was still anxiously about the call from the Cancer Agency but felt more peace from Him and trust in Him while waiting. A few hours later the phone rang. My neutrophils were low (that was old news to me) and so I'd be receiving chemo at a reduced dose. Fantastic! I get chemo today!  I'll be their most grateful chemo patient!

I've had a really good week... just was surprised by my bloodwork results. I'll share more about my wonderful week a little later.  Today I'm very grateful for my chemo and for my doctor and his knowledge of what is best for me. More importantly than my doctor, I'm thankful that God knows what is best for more than just my cancer and He is in control of everything... even my neutrophils!

P.S. Had a chance to visit Children's ICU today (where I last worked before maternity leave). It was great seeing so many faces that I hadn't seen in months or maybe years. Everyone was so welcoming and caring. It's hard to believe that it's been two years since working there. I miss you (and even work some days).

What I Have Survived Since Feb 12, 2013

(in 196 Appointments)

IVs (successful) x 71

Bloodwork (successful) x 77

IVs or Bloodwork (unsuccessful) x 11

Biopsies x 13 (I think)

Chemo x 14 cycles including:

IV Chemo x 29 doses

Oral Chemo x 308 pills

Bone strengthening infusions x 19

Injections x 9

Brain radiation x 5

Other radiation x 2

Tattoos x 6

MRI x 2

CT x 12

Ultrasound x 3

Xray x 7

ECHO x 1

Surgery x 2

Minor surgery x 1

Days in hospital x 9

Parking Ticket x one given incorrectly & almost another one

Bottoms Up! Yay!

My nieces & nephew wanted to celebrate me getting chemo today with a Chemo Cake! How thoughtful! (I just think they wanted ice cream cake)

Rare Response & Symptoms

As per my normal self, this palliative care patient (me) just isn't following the rules. I am not responding normally to chemo (my response has been much better than anticipated) and while I do have my moments, I certainly do not look like I'm dying. As I was sharing with my oncologist, one of my rare symptoms of this disease is having the urge to host parties with large groups of people and celebrate.

This past Saturday, we had almost thirty people over to our house to celebrate our boy turning two. Nearly every person invited had babysat M at one point or another through these last eighteen months. They had loved on him, taught him things and blessed us incredibly in the process. For each of you, we are very grateful!

And so we celebrated with "Tt is for two" and a flashcard theme since our little guy is very much into learning right now. The house was decorated with "Tt is for..." flash cards with pictures of Our boy doing/involved with/playing with/etc.:

- truck

- tires

- tumbling (why doesn't everyone want to stand on their head on the couch?)

- tug of war (another M was trying to take his blanket and he was not impressed)

- tantrum 

- trouble (there were several of these: M climbing shelves, in the dishwasher, writing on himself with a pen
- tasting (the sand in Maui)
- twosome (JR & M in JR's kennel)

And because of who I am, the food had to start with the letter "t" as well. We had truck sandwiches, tacos, trifle, etc. Occasionally we had to make an exception with stuffed Tomatoes or sTrawberries on a skewer. We had fun!

Two is still the age that the parties are for the big people. And I certainly had fun... so job well done me! The highlight of the evening for me was singing happy birthday. M was happily clapping, singing and shouting as we sang to him. When it came time to blow out the candles, he was able to do it with ease just like we had practised. He especially enjoyed repeatedly sticking his fingers into the sponginess of the fondant.

After all was said and done and the last dishes were washed (thank you friends), we could relax and celebrate more of my family's birthdays and an anniversary with just the ten of us. 

One of my requests for my family this summer was to have family pictures taken. I wanted to have some visual reminders of our family as a whole. I've had to rely on my family a lot this year and I am so very thankful for each of them.

It's been a good week.

The Ten of Us

(courtesy of my friend Wendy of Ciao Bella Photography)