Extended times of stress change you. The stress doesn't have to be big or small or all at once. They can be super small and over time.
And then one day, things shift dramatically.
As I understand the earthquake in Nepal two big plates of rock that had been moving really slowly grinding against each other until the pressure was too much and the rocks moved in a big way. The plates had only moved a tiny bit per year but on April 25, enough was enough. That's all it took to make huge slabs of the earth move and lots of destruction.
We've had 2 years and 3 months to be processing our cancer -- I'm very thankful for God's generosity of time. I'm a processor and prefer to be given time on big events. Then again maybe I'm just a slow learner or indecisive.
The 11th place of cancer in my body really shook my foundation up again this week. I was told after I'd written in my blog entry that my lung metastases probably wouldn't affect the course of my death -- one less thing to worry about. It doesn't lighten the result of that last mm that it took to shake things up but it does allow me to say that it was a pretty hard blow.
And it's really hard to be a controlling person from a hospital bed when all that you can get and is within your arm's reach... but yet you don't want to be a burden to others and contribute to their stress.
Like in Nepal I had an aftershock this week as well -- I believe it was a spiritual attack. If he couldn't get to me physically, he wanted to crush my faith. What could I do from my bed and with whom could I get support? Two ladies with firm foundations. I asked them to pray. And then I started my journey.
I was challenged to read Scripture and pray. Psalms it was and quieting my brain was almost impossible... but it was done over time. At the end of it all I fell asleep (or seized because I'd forgotten to take lunch and dinner medications). I woke up feeling rested, refreshed and at peace knowing God has been in control of each of the earthquakes in my life. My work is to keep a steady, faithful and growing heart. All else "është për kot" (is in vain) unless I'm growing in God. I'm going to be shaken; I wouldn't be human if I wasn't shaken at least a bit. And when my foundation settles, if I allow myself to be shaken and surrender, my faith can be firmer and I can trust in Him more.
My heart needs to learn to be steadier and allow the earthquake to make me surrender all the while maintaining my core foundation in Christ.
Yet my heart continues to bubble in the knowledge that I might be in heaven soon. I'm going to miss you but the choice between you and heaven is pretty easy to make.
Stress & cracks
