Monday, 25 May 2015

Within My Arms' Reach

Since losing strength and sensation in my legs, my life has changed to only things within my arms' reach. Basically I'm confined to my hospital bed or our couch unless someone moves me. And then you have to work through side rails finding the right angle and strength. It can be truly humbling at times or it can be angering when you want something and can't have it. 

I have some strength and most of the time I have a clear mind. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I have faith and hope in a God who will never leave me. I have time to read Scripture and pray for me & others.

What else do I really need?

Trying to make sure I have everything I "need" within arm's reach.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Stress & Cracks

Extended times of stress change you. The stress doesn't have to be big or small or all at once. They can be super small and over time.

And then one day, things shift dramatically.

As I understand the earthquake in Nepal two big plates of rock that had been moving really slowly grinding against each other until the pressure was too much and the rocks moved in a big way. The plates had only moved a tiny bit per year but on April 25, enough was enough. That's all it took to make huge slabs of the earth move and lots of destruction.

We've had 2 years and 3 months to be processing our cancer -- I'm very thankful for God's generosity of time. I'm a processor and prefer to be given time on big events. Then again maybe I'm just a slow learner or indecisive.

The 11th place of cancer in my body  really shook my foundation up again this week. I was told after I'd written in my blog entry that my lung metastases probably wouldn't affect the course of my death -- one less thing to worry about. It doesn't lighten the result of that last mm that it took to shake things up but it does allow me to say that it was a pretty hard blow.

And it's really hard to be a controlling person from a hospital bed when all that you can get and is within your arm's reach... but yet you don't want to be a burden to others and contribute to their stress.

Like in Nepal I had an aftershock this week as well -- I believe it was a spiritual attack. If he couldn't get to me physically, he wanted to crush my faith. What could I do from my bed and with whom could I get support? Two ladies with firm foundations. I asked them to pray. And then I started my journey.

I was challenged to read Scripture and pray. Psalms it was and quieting my brain was almost impossible... but it was done over time. At the end of it all I fell asleep (or seized because I'd forgotten to take lunch and dinner medications). I woke up feeling rested, refreshed and at peace knowing God has been in control of each of the earthquakes in my life. My work is to keep a steady, faithful and growing heart. All else "është për kot" (is in vain) unless I'm growing in God. I'm going to be shaken; I wouldn't be human if I wasn't shaken at least a bit. And when my foundation settles, if I allow myself to be shaken and surrender, my faith can be firmer and I can trust in Him more.

My heart needs to learn to be steadier and allow the earthquake to make me surrender all the while maintaining my core foundation in Christ.

Yet my heart continues to bubble in the knowledge that I might be in heaven soon. I'm going to miss you but the choice between you and heaven is pretty easy to make.

Stress & cracks

Wednesday, 13 May 2015


Yesterday I received a little bit more bad news. The cancer has also moved to my lungs. "Just" three spots but there's nothing extra to do. Most of the other stuff is stable.

One of my greatest fears is suffocating. 

Sunday, 10 May 2015

Sometimes I like to...

Life changes when you become a mom. I don't mean to sound like I'm a 
better person than those who don't have children. Priorities change, sleep patterns change, the little voice that sings to or swears at nights changes. It's not to brag about or complain about certain things. And most days you can take it. Then there are some days you can't. You have to know to... but it seems impossible.

You would do anything for your child... take their pain, suffering, and try to point them in a good way. You'd pound your fists at their antics yet bellow from the depths of your soul at their decisions. 

The cross is the best way of leading us and then you let us go. You pray fervently and that's all can be done. Scary, isn't it?

I love you mom and I'm learning how to follow and lead. Yes, you "gave me up" but you're still my mom and a mom I need in my life. Help me, be patient with me, but never let me go completely.

Sometimes a daughter, sometimes a mother, always God's daughter. On those days we can't take it anymore, we're in this together.

Oh my poor boy. I hope you have better eyesight than your mama. You are adorable. By the way, these glasses are "vintage" but back in style now (circa 2001). I had to buy a pair of glasses instead of contacts when I got an eye infection just before a missions trip to West Africa. I guess it pays to save old glasses so that you can make your child cute.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

May the Force With You

 Just Some Lighter Hearted Humour

We all need some days when we just laugh and end enjoy. Here are some of our of those pictures for now.

May the Real Force Be with You.

May the force be with you - Star Wars

Just those eyes!

Not bad Mike.
Sweet and oh so yummy!

Ok... And if you can have a bit off can of off humour, here's a website:
(Copy & paste please)

Saturday, 25 April 2015


Grandpa was allowed to come home for a few hours on a day pass today from the hospital. It's been more than two weeks since grandpa and Matias have seen each other.

Matias was just waking up from his nap. Sometimes previously when Matias would wake up in the mornings grandpa would stick his fingers under the door & wiggle them and Matias would giggle and touch his hand.

Today when grandpa did that Matias said, "Dadda." A couple seconds later there was an awed gasp from behind the door and an amazed voice that said, "Gwampa!"

It was so good for me to simply see my dad, enjoy his company for a few hours, and see grandpa and Matias together.

Food art from Sept, 2014 - they have a special relationship.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

A Post From Dad & Me

It looked like things were going well postoperatively for dad. He could swallow again which was a welcome outcome. Unfortunately something changed overnight on Monday and he's back not being able to swallow.

This is scary for me. I'm used to my dad being the strong, healthy one. I'm used to him taking care of me -- driving me to appointments, giving me additional support & wisdom, coming into my "bedroom" many times a day asking me how I'm doing, making me coffee. I haven't seen him for over a week (because he's in the hospital and of germs) and I miss him a lot.

We still don't have a diagnosis and that is difficult as well too. So until work) then he will remain in hospital and I at home and will continue to pray.

No one like to see their dad weak.

23 pokes (IV or blood)
4 X-rays
1 CT
4-5 cameras up nose
1 under anaesthetic - examined epiglottis, vocal cords, etc; took two laser biopsies
8 approx. specialists seen (approx. 4 ENTs, 1 speech therapist, 2 infectious specialists)

All biopsies, bloodwork, etc. are within normal except for a bacterial infection in my throat which has caused me to stop swallowing including my own saliva. If things do not improve this weekend, they will insert a food tube directly into my stomach.

Pray for healing so that I don't need this procedure.

Must celebrate birthdays with a balloon & tiara