Thursday, 23 July 2015

Shaken Up and Settling Down

  On Tuesday I had a large scary seizure and was unconscious much of Tuesday. The home care nurses came and put some needles just under my skin to inject medicine. I woke up and now I'm listening to my boy singing and the birds also singing. Hoping for better days. 
These are busy days and I'm tired so if you want to visit let Xhevat know so we can find times when I have more energy.
http://trustinggodwithmyfuture.blogspotlWhen my boys see I'm doing well. 

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Where to Spend Time & Energy

I am somewhat confused at priorities these days. My computer and iPhone both required repairs the same week. Then it took a bit to get things back up and.running. Then my vision went in my left eye and so I'm adjusting to not being able to see able see. And I'm trying so hard to make a video for my funeral and i don't have the energy.

I'm sleeping more but am more tired and requiring more care. I don't like this direction we're headed and it is requiring me much more time to post a blog entry. 

Just swinging around 

My handsome boy 

The tray table my husband made me so that my arms did not hurt as much.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

Joy & Suffering

Who do you call when your spouse dies? I really don't know. I can only imagine that the shock and grief is enough that even with the best of preplanning that something is forgotten and something. Doesn't as planned.

And when you're in a foreign country where cultures and practices are different, someone is bound to be hurt. Someone is bound to be offended. And while the person who has just died is celebrating in heaven, there is still grace & mourning here on earth. If it is healthy this process can start way before death.

Suffering can be a bruising of a blessing. - Joni E Tada
We've talked a little more of some of these things. We might still be here at the actual rapture if God gives us that time trying to figure things out if not, No matter what each person will need an extra portion of grace. They will need closeness, distance, an ear to be silent upon, an ear to just listen.  They mighr need clarification or understanding or things repeated in a different way might need something that isn't even recognized. Anyways, thjoy in this house. Twice so far we have celebrated with worship and communion -- a more intimate time of focusing on God. I don't know if I'll be here that long but either way, there is joy.

Joy & suffering (: yesterday was our 8th anniversary & suffering: my skin bruises and tears more easily due to its fragility)

Eight years ago

Pure joy

Saturday, 27 June 2015

How is your day going today?

How is your day going today? And they truly want an in depth answer. Part of my answer was: I'm trying to figure that out myself. I think good so far.

It's a difficult question for me as I don't want to which I don't want to give a flippant answer but yet it is overwhelmingly difficult to answer each time. This friend who asked was by no means prying and truly cared about my answer.

Anyway I just wanted to share about my afternoon. After my morning bed bath, I usually get tired and have a nap. Then lunch and possibly and another nap. Well this afternoon my husband asked me if I wanted to go into the back yard and just relax. I can't walk and it means him carrying me down stairs which I can only imagine is quite difficult as I heard both of our bones cracked and creaked in protest.

Ok... now remember that chair that the fabric had torn and I fell through it? Well, he repurposed it to an even comfier anti-gravity chair and had made the yard beautiful! His transplanted mini rose bush (I was a doubter of it working), our trellis with grape vines, my blue hydrangea bush, other flowers, our fountain, our patio set, our son's new pool. It was just all so beautiful.

We just sat there for a while. Matias played buck naked preferring the freedom of peeing in the corner of the yard than his potty. Xhevat would point out certain features of plants or the garden features. We listened to the birds. Just a beautiful afternoon.

So yes, it was a good afternoon. Thanks for asking... and if I choose to say, "I'm not answering that question, please respect that too."

My backyard  view

Thursday, 25 June 2015


OoThis week some friends came over. They didn't come to chat or have fun. They came to worship God & have communion together. Oh how I've missed that!

Business first though. My palliative care nurse and a bed bath.

We also had others stop by. The first - a friend just wanting to say hello and drop off ice cream. The second a friend from work wanting to drop off an extra meal, the third wanting to drop off some home baked buns. And then the fourth, a meeting (which has not happened yet) presumedly about my funeral.

Oh what a busy day! This is not a normal day. The door is locked. No more. I am exhausted.

But back to the community part of it... I've worshiped God alone through song but not both through worship nor communion at home lately. I've deeply missed it. What a beautiful pleasure of Emmanuel - God with us. It wasn't organized per se with an order of service (that I know of). There was a little message but there was hope and off pitch singing and just physically being together. And then we were served communion. Out of the eleven people I believe we represented nine churches from Vancouver to Abbotsford.

How incredible is that eleven people can get together after 21 years, not to speak or catch up on many words but rather singing praises to our God together. There weren't very many words or chit chat shared, which would be our norm. It seemed out of place. We just got together to praise Him and spend time with him. What a beautiful picture of what heaven will look like... in perfection.

 I'm just so thankful for community.

Communion - Together - Emmanuel - God with Us 

Even M got into the praise & worship at the end!

A different evening of community (A different M even had his cow's bell) and we won 7-1!

You're Not Enough

You're not enough. You will never be enough.

What if this is true? What if my good deeds need to outweigh my bad ones? Then I will be healed. I just need to be good enough. Or have enough hope. I can't give up hope or I will no chance.

I'm thinking I'm getting closer to death (obviously -- aren't we all). I don't know what it feels like to die or be "closer" to death or how to die. I'm scared at times and totally at peace at other times.

But I just can't believe it (I say with with a sigh of relief). It can't be about me or how good I am or who scored the most goals in the soccer game. Yes the ref awards points but I couldn't have scored a goal if someone hadn't lost something. And that something was my Jesus' life on the cross. He didn't do anything wrong. I am so confident that the lame soccer analogy is enough to get me to heaven.

I'm not enough. And scoring all the goals in the world won't earn my way. So I'm going to stop to be enough. I will however strive to be a better person as God leads me and I will do my best to score as many victories as I can along the way.
Colors, Numbers & Emotions... trying to figure them out

Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Snippets of God's Glimmering Hope

Yes we have enough tears in our home but our home is generally surrounded by joy, hope, laughter & me sleeping at odd times and in odd places. Here are some of those thoughts/experiences.

In the morning, I'm often awakened by the cacophony of birds in conversation outside my window. I wonder what they are saying to each other.

Making risotto is a challenge on a marriage especially when the instructions are not clear and one partner is trying to give instructions. Our lemon prawn risotto was interesting to say the least.

When one's iPhone goes into Braille/voice control mode and everything freezes you may try and fix that problem you turn on your computer which has been taken over by Trojan viruses and you have no access to the Internet to try and get help or recover any data from your hard drive. Thanks to some friends who can make most situations enjoyable, we were able to have a good laugh. Thanks L, L, & S.
And an especially big thanks to M who spends countless hours trying to fix (and was pretty sure he had).
Friends who come over.

A very intelligent boy who can read, write, and is almost potty trained. I didn't think I'd see these days. Thank you God.

My repurposed anti-gravity chair which would be covered with a couch cushion cover. Thanks J!

Friends who offer to watch us so Xh can play some football.

Being able to celebrate

The view in my backyard from chair. Thanks for all your hard work Xh!

Suffering can be a bruising of a blessing. - Joni E Tada