Just after my brain metastases were diagnosed, I lost a lot of strength, feeling, & endurance. The cancer in and around my brain was unpredictable and could do irreversible damage very quickly. Based on how advanced the lesions were in my head and all of the physical side effects that I was having, I think my doctor thought things would go downhill quickly. He said average life expectancy was six months.
I was both shocked and determined. Shocked that things had gotten so bad that quickly. Shocked at the prognosis. Grieving. But yet I was determined to not just allow my diagnosis to wreck my days (determination is my stubbornness put to good use).
Looking back, we travelled to Kosova when I was at my weakest & most tired. Although I still tire often and can't keep up to Matias as I used to, I'm doing really well. My parents and sister stepped in and have cared for Matias when Xhevat was working. I've had friends and relatives come and visit (physically and through Skype) and did not know if I should be saying "goodbye" or "see you later."
Average life expectancy for me is another month. It's an extremely sobering thought and it seems so surreal based on how I'm feeling. My sister has said that I've been an outlier both in my diagnoses & responses to treatment... and so I hope to be an outlier on the far side of six months.
In fact, I've been feeling so well recently that I encouraged my parents to let me try to take care of my son for the day. They could return home a day earlier than planned. I had plans to see friends. I'd text my husband every hour to let him know things were ok.
The potential unpredictability of my cancer hasn't changed but we have a plan in place, I currently have the strength and it seems like a reasonable plan.
Just saying, I'm really proud of myself. While I was more nervous today than the day I brought my infant son home from the hospital, I did it! I showered, took care of my son, made breakfast and lunch (and dinner is in the crock pot), put in a load of laundry and went on a play date! And then we napped.
I'm still very aware that things could change for the worse rather quickly but I'm ok right now... and so I'm going to live fully today.
Please keep on praying for us:
- for stable cancer and/or complete healing
- continued strength to get through each day's joys & struggles
- wisdom in knowing if I can care for Matias and when I should get help
- my husband, son and family (my cancer has changed their lives and they need your prayers & support)
- safety for my family as they travel here & home
- living each day with purpose
- gratefulness for being able to care for myself & my boy today