I've known that fear would be sticking to my heart both this week and next week and I've been praying that it wouldn't take over my heart.
After our birthday & the six month mark, I've gone into a busy two weeks. Seven appointments that will culminate with a possible change to my driving status and/or another round of chemo. I'd love both.
On Monday when my throat first started hurting, I was concerned but knew there wasn't much I could do other than drinking fluids and getting some rest. Tuesday I was exhausted. I somehow managed to need five naps throughout the day (one is normal; five is crazy) and still slept 8+ hours at night. Fortunately Matias was having a relatively calm day yesterday and we both managed.
However when Xhevat got home from work, I was done. My headache got significantly worse, I had no appetite and I eventually threw up. Vomiting scared me more than anything. The last time I puked was when I was diagnosed with brain mets. Had my brain met(s) increased in size or number? Had I simply stretched or compressed some parts of my neck the day before? Or maybe it was just my cold symptoms? Was this the beginning of the end? Should I go to Emerg and see if there was something to do? Should I try and wait it out?
I just sat on the couch with tears streaming down my face.
I decided to speak with the oncologist on call (Yes, us cancer patients have a wonderful number we can call 24 hours of the day and we can talk with an oncologist who can answer questions. Thank you doctors, nurses, et al who work at all hours of the day).
The doctor and I talked through things and decided to wait a bit to see how things would continue. In the meantime he suggested some medication.
Because I wasn't sure how I'd be doing, I asked Xhevat if he'd stay with me today. I needed him for his emotional strength and support (Did I mention how thankful I am for him?).
Fortunately no symptoms got worse overnight and we continued on with the plan of getting spinal radiation today... so I should be feeling more back pain and discomfort and possibly have esophageal pain over the next few weeks... yeah! Oh the things we do to try and live comfortably longer!
And do you know what was the worst part of today?!?!! Taking those silly stickers off! All seven of them! And just to make it even worse, Xhevat peeled off the last one super slowly and made me say "I love you" so that he'd just pull it off quicker. I gladly (and quickly I might add) gave in and told him what he wanted to hear (Did I mention how thankful I am for him?).
I know that I'm struggling with fear right now. When triggers (like new symptoms or the unknown results of future scans) appear, I have to keep on reminding myself of the truth. My hope hasn't changed, nor has my God. The removal of stickers or fears are going to hurt... no matter how quickly or slowly they're removed. It's a process because there are always going to more stickers added. Whether they're removed quickly or slowly, there will eventually be an end to the pain and I will get rid of all of my stickers. Until then... with the help of others, I'll keep on getting rid of my stickers.