Some People & Things I'm Thankful For This Week

- my husband: I can't begin to describe how thankful I am to have him in my life; he has so many things going on in his heart and life right now and yet he's always willing to sacrificially give more... with everything he's endured in his life, I am amazed at and blessed by the man I get to call my best friend and husband; I feel like I can handle life's ups and downs better with him next to me
- my 8 month old boy: even with his cough & snotty nose this week, he has woken up each morning with big smiles and lots of happy noises; I'm thankful he can handle a little sleep training while being sick, can play by himself when mommy is tired, is learning new things every day, is a voracious little eater (if he's like this now, the teenage years are going to be brutal!), can light up a room with his smile (no matter what time of the day or night it is)
- being a wife and mom: I handled being a wife and mom for the week "by myself" (cooking, cleaning, poopy diapers, waking up at night, each of us having a cold, etc.); it's good to know that I have the strength to do it, support when I need a rest and a husband who knows when and if I need help
- my parents: they're coming back today and I'm grateful (hope they were able to rest up 'cause I have their most adorably active, youngest grandchild waiting for them); I'm grateful to family who will uproot their lives to walk our dog, do night feeds, drive me to appointments, change diapers and laugh and cry with me; I've missed them this week
- a card and CD from a special family member who has been and is in my place... the card read "when there are no words to soften the pain may your spirit be touched by the love that surround you and slowly... may the healing begin"
- a card from a colleague and mentor who is also facing challenges in her life... this card has a picture of a dog on the front and says "As they say in obedience school... HEAL!"
- phone calls from a friend: it's good to be needed (instead of being the one in need)
- sharing joys and sorrows with my massage therapist and being ministered to through her hands, heart and conversation
- groups & meetings: I've gone back to doing some of the "normal" things that I did prior to my diagnosis; it feels good to know that priorities I had previously are still priorities now and that I have the energy and desire to reengage
- laughs... and lots of them: wig parties, my giggling boy, my dog trying to retrieve a stick that's quite big, me trying to throw the stick that's too big for him to retrieve
- walks: the four of us had the energy to walk for McFlurries on Sat (6.8km total) but I didn't have enough to get around the block on Wed; no matter how far or short, it's good to be able to get out of the house
- the ladies at the lab who take my blood and the nurses who fill my veins with chemo: I'm truly thankful for the care you put into your jobs and also thankful that I'm able to be in your care
- my crazy haired friends: I'm so glad we were put together; it's good to be learning from each other and to have each other in each of our circumstances
- my dog: he's still crazy and energetic and even a little better behaved (at times); I'm thankful he fits into our family so well; it brings me joy to watch my 8 month old "chase" him around the house... Matias will army crawl the length of the house just to be around his big friend (JR is usually fine with being chased but ocassionally needs his space; he escaped by going up three stairs to the landing of the staircase... Matias can't get there yet... but he's working on it!) ;-)
- soft kleenex (especially the menthol scented ones from Kosova): for tears, snotty noses, bloody noses & little pukes (my boy's... not mine); my nose would have been much more raw if I had to go through this with the stuff we offer at work

If I didn't have cancer, I would not have had many of these experiences or had the opportunity to see the incredible people in my life in this way. For this, I'm thankful.

The Top Ten Benefits of Chemo

In the midst of many tears, sometimes a good laugh (and some dark humor) is essential. Dad and I came up with this list a couple weeks ago while I was getting chemo. We thought of many more benefits but I've condensed it down to the top ten. Should you enjoy dark humor and think of more benefits to getting chemo/cancer, write it in the comments and we can all enjoy it!

Without further delay, I present to you...
The Top Ten Benefits of Chemo

10. I spend less money on shampoo, conditioner, mousse, gel, etc.
9. I don't have to lie about my use of steroids and narcotics
8. Free coffee, hot chocolate & juice at the Cancer Agency
7. I am able to fix my hair before I have a shower
6. Family and friends visit, call, & write more often
5. I spend a lot less time shaving & plucking unwanted hair and making sure the wanted hair is looking good
4. Live-in childcare and delicious meals given by loved ones
3. I've been given the opportunity to appreciate my inner beauty through government paid photography sessions (MRIs, CTs, Xrays, etc.)
2. I have thousands of people praying for my family and me.
1. My cancer doesn't like it!

(Some friends were celebrating with & supporting me on this journey and came over with their wigs on... and they even had a few extra to spare.  So we had a wig party and laughed a lot. Blonde is definitely not my color.... another benefit to chemo is justifiably growing my wig, hat, and accessories collection)

Cancer Socks

It's Friday morning. Our boy woke us up twice in the night (mom & Xhevat took care of him) and then woke up for the day at 6 am. Dad took over then. Xhevat and I got ready and he drove me to the Cancer Agency and then went on to work. I had my bloodwork done, took a walk in the rain with a thwarted attempt to get to Tim Horton's (thanks to construction and the closed sidewalk), ate breakfast instead at the hospital cafeteria, had a quick chat with a coworker and her mom, and now am sitting writing this... and it's not even 9 am (As there's no wifi here, this won't be posted until later today).

I've had a few people ask if I was doing ok as I haven't written on my blog this week. Thank you for your concern & care. I'm doing well today and keeping busy. I've written a couple blog entries this week but have been processing what I've written and so they haven't been posted... yet.

Today I'm going to write about my socks. A dear friend's mom was in a similar situation to me. In the ugly world of cancer and it's treatment, my friend bought her mom the most outrageous and perhaps tackiest socks she could find and her mom wore them when she was getting her treatment. It was a way of bringing joy and humor into a difficult situation. She continued this tradition with another friend's mom... and was the recipient of socks herself when she was on bed rest. Not needing them any more, she sent me a pair of her used tacky socks.

Normally I might not appreciate socks that were zebra striped, ruffled edged, with burgundy heals and toes, and bright, multi-colored squares of patterns... especially socks that were used. But I've worn those socks to chemo (and throughout the week when I'm needing a little pick-me-up) with joy, love, and pride. Cancer sucks but I'm on this journey and I might as well keep my joy and sense of humor along the way.

I'm currently sitting in the waiting area of the Cancer Agency wearing some new socks that I received this week. They are striped knee socks... pink, yellow, cobalt, grey, fuchsia, and sea foam stripes... a lot of personality and spunk wrapped up in some socks. The person who sent them to me encouraged me to wear them with shorts... what a fashion statement that would be! As it is raining today, I thought they might look better with flip flops as well. But my restraint took over and they are instead just peaking out from under my pant legs. I love my socks (and my friends and family that love on me)!


Later that day (and with wifi at home):
- Chemo is done; my neutrophils were high enough and I got my full dose which is always a pleasure to receive!
- Mom and dad have arrived back in Kelowna for the weekend. We're thankful that the roads were good.
- As I've been feeling stronger lately, I've been trying to do more with Matias and around the house. This past Monday I was able to take care of him throughout the day by myself. I'm hoping to be able to do this more next week. Please pray for strength for me, a good baby, and knowing if or when I need to ask for help earlier (my parents will come back at least in time for my next chemo or earlier if necessary).
- Xhevat returned home safely this past Sunday. It's so good to have him home! He has been busy taking a course for his work this week and would appreciate your prayers next week as he is tested on what he has learned.
- It was great that Xhevat was able to spend time in Kosova with his family. Thank you for praying for Xhevat's dad. He has been doing better and Xhevat felt much more at peace about how his dad was doing when he left. Please continue to pray for Xhevat's dad.

Looking Back and Looking Forward

Relief is good... I hadn't known what to expect from my CT results and I was very pleased to have to go for a long walk with my dad.  His 2 km challenge and my 4 km response turned into a 4.8 km walk in the drizzling BC rain.  And the rain didn't bother me at all!

When I was pregnant, I remember hearing a song on the radio about a dad practising dancing with his daughter for her wedding. I'd just found out I was having a boy and through tears I thought of him escorting me down the aisle at his wedding.  Even though he was still so tiny and I'd never even met him yet, I was honored that God had entrusted this little boy to us.  I was also overwhelmed at the thought of being a mom of a boy and how my relationship with him could impact his relationship with his future wife.  Even though it was so far away, I started praying for my son and the girl who would become his wife.

Since my diagnosis, it's been very hard to think of the future. I don't know how much of a future I have.  It's been hard to allow those close to me to remain close. My irrational heart thought it would be easier to just start pushing people away now rather than when things got more difficult. When I was able to put this fear into words, I was told very firmly that this was not ok and that I had to stop doing this. My fears were heard but I was reminded that we need each other to get through each day no matter whether they would be good days or bad days.

The "distant future" for my son has changed since my diagnosis.  Now I would like to be able to see him on his first day of school and be the proudest mommy ever making sure that every hair is in place and he's dressed properly and I'd be taking pictures of him in front of our door wearing his little backpack.  Even this has seemed too far away at times and so I've thought of simply planning his first birthday in August. 

I had the privilege of having coffee today with another young mother who has a similar diagnosis. Í met her seven weeks ago but because of our different chemo days and the effects of chemo, this was the first time we were able to get together.  It was such a relief to be able to be able to share our joys, fears... and dark humor about our horrible diagnoses. I asked her how far into the future she was able to think... for her it was the end of this year.

On my "long" walk with dad a couple days ago, I noticed a little kid riding a bike. "I'm looking forward to seeing Matias ride a bike," was my first reaction. That thought surprised me because it brought joy to my heart about our future -- not fear or sadness. Since getting my CT results, I've allowed myself to have some of these thoughts of a future and I can even possibly see me in them.  What a change this is in me!  While the future seems more than a little daunting at times, I'm going to do my best to enjoy each day (even walks in the rain) and I plan to create special memories with those I love along the way.

Four Kilometers

To try and encourage my anxious heart, my dad asked me yesterday if I'd walk 2 km with him today when I got the good news of my CT results.  With my hopeful feistiness, my response was that I'd walk 4 km if I got good news.

So I went into my appointment with my list of symptoms/side effects and a bunch of questions... some of which were dependent upon my CT results.  My sister came in from Kelowna (about a 4 hr drive) to be with me.  She has been an amazing support both as a sister and with her medical knowledge. She was there with Xhevat and me at my first oncologist's appointment and has been beside me through many rough moments.  We'd talked about the questions I should ask for three scenarios: if my cancer had spread, stayed the same, or decreased. I've been scared about this appointment and needed her by side. I didn't quite know what to hope for or expect from my CT results.

When my doctor entered the room, we didn't have to wait long or ask any questions to get my news. "Improvement everywhere," were the first words out of his mouth. The rest of the appointment was really just a formality after that news. My largest liver lesion is half the size. Another liver lesion is two thirds of the size.  I still have too many lesions to count... but they're smaller! My lymph nodes are back to normal size. My bones are healing. There's no cancer in my brain and nothing in my lungs. As for the cancer in the remainder of body, there is "nothing new or worse."

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord for all He's done! (This is what I sort of sang -- complete with kids' song's hand motions -- as I changed into the blue hospital gown).

I couldn't ask for better news. Chemo and my cancer are getting along just as I'd like... my cancer is trying to divide and multiply and each time it tries, my chemo is killing off more cells. I appreciate all of the medicine behind it but I recognize that I am ultimately in the care of my Great Physician. He loves me and cares for me... through good and bad. My doctor's desire is to get my cancer to a place where we can stop it from growing and we continue to beat it back when it tries to rear its ugly head.  I want this too.  My Great Physician's desire is to have my heart and my eyes focused on Him and to live out His hope in my life. More than my desire to be physically healthy, I desperately want this.

For this (whether cancer or good CT results or just daily living), we have Jesus.


P.S. I must keep this short cause I've got 4 km of thankfulness to walk off today... and I'm going to do this with my dad.

Two Cycles Done

I had eight days to recover from last week's chemo (which is one day more than usual and one day can make a big difference to neutrophils). I went in cautiously confident that I'd be getting my chemo. It's been a busy week but I've felt ok and having an "extra" day to recover was good.

[Let me just explain that there are three options for chemo based on my neutrophils: a full dose, 80%, or none. There are other factors for dosing my chemo but this one has been my challenge so far.]

When I was called into the chemo room by an exceptionally caring nurse that I'd connected with earlier, I was surprised to hear that my neutrophil count was the lowest that it could be to get the 80% dosage. As a matter of fact, I was asked how I was feeling and given the option to not get chemo if I wasn't feeling up to it. I wanted it and got my 80%. My low neutrophil count was: surprising... disappointing... confusing as to why it was so low.

My thoughts were also on: Xhevat arriving in Kosovo... Mom with Matias at home... Dad with me. As chemo went on, I got the remainder of my bloodwork results. I had been hoping that this would be the week that one of my four liver enzymes got back into a normal range. They had all been decreasing each week since starting chemo but they had their own plans this week. Two went down and two went up slightly. Nope, not this week. Again, surprising and disappointing.

Then dad beat me at Phase 10... even more surprising and disappointing... and definitely very shocking... and him beating me as I was getting chemo was very confusing (even if I had told him that he didn't have to let me win).

A long nap this afternoon helped me to get some distance and perspective. I'm reminded that this is a journey and there are bound to be many bumps (and I'm not referring to losing Phase Ten). In the big picture, today's were relatively small. While I wish that everything would only get better, I'm trying to live in reality. I'm nervously waiting for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. It's there that I will find out some bigger test results and we will discuss some options and come up with a plan for what's next. Currently I've finished two cycles of chemo (the original plan was 2-6 cycles depending upon how I was doing). I'm doing well with relatively few side effects from chemo and so my next cycle of cycle has already been booked. We will see what the future holds and know that plans can always change.

Please continue to pray for Xhevat, his dad and his family. They are thrilled to have him in Kosova. Xhevat is loving his mom's cooking and was so happy to see his dad amd others welcome him at the airport. Pray that he would be an encouragement and a blessing to his family and that he can speak into his parents' lives in a very special way. I am so glad that he has the opportunity to be there and take care of his family right now. There is nowhere else I'd rather him be right now... but I want him home with us next week! :-)

To end on a lighter note, here are some of my accomplishments:

What I Have Survived Since Feb 12
(in 26 Appointments)

IVs (successful) x13
IVs (unsuccessful) x3
Bloodwork x 12
Biopsies x 12 (I think)

Chemo x8
Bone strengthening infusion x2

MRI x 1
CT x 2
Ultrasound x1
Xray x2

Parking Ticket x almost one

Thanks for hanging out with me from near or far through this journey!

Scattered Thoughts

Another busy week.

Bone strengthening infusion done. Genetic counseling done. CT done. Just bloodwork and chemo to go.

Xhevat got his Canadian passport yesterday and is on his way to Kosovo as I write this (5 min until his first flight is scheduled to land). I miss him already. I had been hoping to go to the airport in Seattle with him but woke up this morning vomiting. Ondansetron is a good thing.

Between the passport office, medical appointments, last minute shopping and packing, yesterday was a very full day and I was thankful that the side effects from my infusion were manageable. Today, my body needed to rest and recover and I'm glad I could do that.

This week Matias learned how to get from lying on his tummy to sitting up. He showed his new learned skill off to his grandma today. He continues to bring many smiles to my face every day... especially when he tries to chase and catch our rather large dog when he's army crawling.

I certainly never planned this kind of a maternity leave (nor would I recommend it)... but this is my life right now. I'm happy that I have my parents here, Xhevat is able to spend some time with his family, and I have many precious moments with my boy and I'd really like to wake up from this nightmare.

Less Eyeball Pain Please?

Despite all of my emotions, we had a great weekend of family time -- just Xhevat, me, Matias & JR. Nothing much was accomplished other than relaxing & simply being together. It was very good. I enjoyed the long weekend, sunshine & a calm(er) dog. Also happy that we could be together to see our son's little accomplishments.

Now on to the week...

Today: I've had my bone strengthening infusion. Hopefully I will have less side effects this time (Last time I was in bed for a couple days with flu-like symptoms, muscle and bone aches, low grade fevers, etc. Maybe my eyeballs don't have to hurt quite as much this time). As well, my parents are coming in tonight.

Wednesday: Genetic counseling & my CT scan (and waiting a week to find the results of the CT)

Thursday: Recoup and send off the hubby (see below)

Friday: Bloodwork and hopefully chemo.

 

And then it starts all over again.

My father-in-law has been quite ill recently and so my husband will be heading home on Thursday to spend some time with him and the rest of his family. We'd appreciate your continued prayers for his dad and for all of those who are caring for him. It is very difficult for us to be far away when he's sick (as I know it is for them to be away from me as well).

There's a lot going on in our lives and I'm so thankful for the quiet and refreshing weekend we had together as a family. This past weekend was definitely just what the doctor ordered.  :)

 

Me in my new Easter bonnet enjoying just the sunshiny weather!