Just Another Sunday

Yup, it was a typical Sunday in our household. The morning busyness to get ready for church. A great time reconnecting with people we haven't seen in a while (I've been hiding from their germs really). Lunch, an afternoon nap & Xhevat playing with JR. And an evening filled with (us) building and (Matias) destroying our mega block creations.

My new normal has certain things that from the outside look just down right silly:

- hats or wigs (It's cold without hair which is why I wear hats most often these days... whether they be simple, fancy or silly)

- gloves (of the medical variety are worn for cleaning, changing diapers, cooking & washing dishes... all to avoid getting unnecessary bacteria under my infection prone finger nails)

- sweat pants (I'm really not trying to impress anyone while I'm at home... and sweats are really comfy!)

- Kleenex (While we laugh more than we cry in this household, Kleenex is used for tears, runny noses, spilled milk, etc... and boxes of Kleenex are positioned regularly throughout my household)

Church clothes & jewelry (with the addition of some lunch prep gloves, a knife & a warm toque)... doesn't everyone look like this making Sunday lunch?

Merry Christmas

Ten months ago I did not know if I'd be celebrating Christmas with my family this year. 

I am & are we ever celebrating!

Today I'm especially thankful for the Reason for our hope. I'm painfully aware of the fragility and gift of life and am thankful for our Emmanuel -- God with us.

From our family to yours, merry Christmas!

If I had needed chemo on Christmas Eve

While it didn't happen, I knew that if my chemo was delayed this week that I would need to be getting chemo on Christmas Eve. Weeks ago I got to thinking about how bad it would be to be getting chemo on Christmas Eve -- celebrations with my family would be much more complicated and the chemo room was not where I was wanting to be. This was not the way I wanted to be celebrating... and probably most people in that room wouldn't want to be there either.

But as time went on I knew I didn't want to be a grumpy, Grinch-like patient on the eve of my Reason for joy. So I changed my attitude and prayed that God would make my body ready for chemo whenever He could use me. I wanted to radiate my joy and peace in Him in that chemo room.

Yesterday He did just that. And it was confirmed by my chemo nurse who told me that she didn't believe in coincidences and that a Higher Power had me sitting in that chair at that time to bring joy to the discouraged patient next to me. She called me her Christmas angel.

My plan had been to make up goodie bags for patients and staff and deliver them on Christmas Eve -- a little gift to others to encourage people who needed love and share the joy and hope that Christmas means to me. Even though yesterday wasn't Christmas Eve, some of the presents were handed out and it was so much fun to see the nurses and patients faces!

Below are the notes and contents of the different bags that were made up for the patients and staff:

Note For the Patients

Dear Friend,

 

While I don’t know your story, I am assuming that cancer has touched your life this year because of where you are sitting today. I am so sorry that you’re having to go through this… but I’m glad that you’re able to be here today and I hope that the chemo that you’re receiving will be life-giving with minimal side effects.

Please accept these little gifts for Christmas. I hope they bring a smile to your face, a little warmth to these cold days, and most importantly the knowledge that you’re not alone on this journey.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

From Another friend (and her family) who has spent time in the chemo room

 

Christmas Chemo Care Package

(for the patients)

· A little ornament (a little sparkly goodness by which to remember this season)

· A note card (write a note to yourself for Christmas 2014 or to someone who you’ve really appreciated in 2013)

· Tissues (because the holidays can be emotional and hospital tissues are like sandpaper)

· Sudoku and Christmas Carol Pictures (sometimes we need something to occupy our time and distract us while we sit in those comfy chemo chairs)

· Antibacterial hand gel (Christmas holidays + seeing lots of people + lots of opportunities to spread good cheer & germs = a good reason for antibacterial hand gel)

· Tea (to warm you up & soothe your heart on our cold winter evenings)

· Ginger candy & candy cane (to calm nausea)

· Party blower (to toot your horn when you’ve finished chemo before Christmas… celebrate getting out of the chemo room!)

Note For the Chemo Staff

In all honesty, I certainly could have done without getting to know each of you this year… but as I didn’t have a choice in that matter, I am very thankful for the role that each of you have played in my life in 2013. Due in part to your involvement in my life, I’m able to be celebrating Christmas with my family this year (and this is something that I no longer take lightly).

Christmas has always been a special time of year for my family. Together we remember and celebrate the promise that Christmas has brought and the hope for a certain future. This is the reason why I am able to have joy in spite of my innumerable reasons for spending time with you.

Thank you for giving of your time, care & hearts to take care of me (and many others) this Christmas. Thank you for treating me as a patient and a nurse. Thank you for asking about my son and remembering which vein has a valve in it. Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. Merry Christmas!

To many more Christmases in the chemo room!

Krista (Xhevat & Matias)

Christmas Chemo Care Package

(for the staff)

· A little ornament (a little sparkly goodness by which to remember this season)

· A note card (write a note to yourself for Christmas 2014 or to someone who you’ve really appreciated in 2013)

· Tissues (because the holidays can be emotional and hospital tissues are like sandpaper)

· Sudoku and Christmas Carol Pictures (sometimes we need something to occupy our time and distract us while we sit in those comfy chemo chairs)

· Tea (to warm you up & restore your energy on our cold winter evenings)

· Candy cane (to calm your patient induced nausea)

· Biscotti (Cherry Rum // Gingerbread // Orange Raisin Almond)

· Chemo socks (cause sometimes it’s ok not to be too serious)

· Party blower (to toot your horn when you’ve finished chemo before Christmas… celebrate getting out of the chemo room!)

My precious boy helping me pack (or rather unpack) the goodie bags. He put the package of tissues into each of the patient's bags all by himself. While it took a lot longer, we it was a family effort.

Occasionally distracted by what was on TV but still wanting to be a part of the action!

No Room At the Inn

My Monday Morning

After dropping off my grumpy, overtired boy at a friend's home, I head off to the hospital for my morning bloodwork and doctor's appointment.

I receive mixed news.

My neutrophils are high enough to get chemo but not high enough to get my usual dose. I'll need to get some repeat bloodwork tomorrow before chemo.

My CT results aren't in yet... so no news there.

My last bloodwork shows that my tumour markers have gone down considerably (less tumour markers = less cancer). So that is good news.

I ask about my chemo time for tomorrow and am told they can't give it to me yet. This confuses me as I've usually been given chemo times days in advance. I ask a few more questions and find out that they are fully booked for tomorrow and I'm on the waiting list.

I didn't know that such a thing exists. However I know that I really want to get chemo tomorrow. 

After the initial surprise/shock of being on a wait list for chemo, I realize that for me to get an appointment time someone else's chemo will need to be delayed or cancelled. That bothers me as well... as someone else's plans for Christmas will have to be changed.

I tear up on my drive home knowing that it is all beyond my control. I don't know when or if I'll get chemo tomorrow. I don't know when or if or how to arrange for a babysitter for Matias. Selfishly I want chemo. And there's nothing I can do but ask and wait.

It reminds me that there was no room at the inn in Bethlehem. Even with the best of plans in difficult circumstances, so many things are out of our control and all that we can do is ask for Him to provide.

Later Today

When we get home my boy chooses a nap over eating lunch. I'm able to share my mixed news with my sister & a friend. I'm glad to have others on this journey with me.

A little later while talking with my friend, the phone rings and I'm given an appointment time! Not only does that mean I'll be getting chemo tomorrow but I also won't be needing to find a babysitter as Xhevat will be done work!

No room at the inn? It's not a problem for Him. He will find the perfect room. Tonight I'm thankful for the stable.

A Haitian Nativity Scene made of clay and coconut

(photo courtesy of Lemuel Ministries in Haiti http://lemuelministries.blogspot.ca)

Overwhelmed

Matias and his mama have learned something new.

We often have days when we are so overwhelmed that we dissolve into a heap of tears. My tears are usually silent and can be brought on by something as small as a look or thought. Matias' tears, on the other hand, are usually big and dramatic with back arching and limb flailing. They can be brought on by the "wrong" snack or because the large plastic plate doesn't fit into the wrapping paper tube.

We each have our own struggles.

On a particularly difficult day this week when mama's tears were coming all too frequently and mama couldn't handle the back arching, we tried something new. I turned on some Christmas carols (Matias loves music), picked up my child's rigid and wailing body, and together we danced our frustrations and tears into surrender and giggles. And we danced and danced until mama was out of breath.

While not every situation may be drowned out by the music, it is one more way we are learning to face and work through our struggles.

Tomorrow will be my bloodwork and doctor's appointment and I'll find out if chemo will happen on Tuesday. I'll also hopefully find out my CT results. I'm nervous.

The tree has been decorated. The presents are wrapped. The baking is done. The next item on my list is to find out when I get chemo.

(I think my boy and I might need to have a few dance dates today to work through some emotions before I get my results.)

After having a day when I felt emotionally overwhelmed, I received this basket of goodies (and a bunch other things). Then overwhelmed turned into overwhelmingly blessed. Thank you MOMs!

Another gift... a necklace with a bead for each milestone. Here's to many more beads! Thank you friend.

Hunkering Down

The big snowflakes outside certainly have made it easier to get curled up under a blanket and not go outside... not to mention the cold temperatures (and for those of you who think I'm a wimp for calling these temperatures cold, I can tell you about the winter it was so cold my toilet froze up and cracked or when my living room was colder than my freezer or walking to school when it was -50 Celsius with windchill). I understand cold temperatures. I just like being warm... so I'm staying home.

I'm staying home for other reasons too. I really want to get chemo next week and I don't want to get sick (I've heard of too many nasty bugs going around).

Getting chemo around Christmas poses certain challenges:

- trying to organize chemo & other appointments around statutory holidays 

- trying to plan time with family but realizing that all plans might need to be changed depending upon when my body is ready for chemo

- trying to get all extra shopping/baking done when I have my bursts of energy

- coordinating bursts of energy with figuring out when & where to shop so as to minimize my exposure to other people and their germs

- trying not to get caught up in doing things & reminding myself to ponder and treasure this Christmas

Although I've been sleeping better, I'm tiring more easily. I've had a sore throat and cough for six weeks (nothing serious... just irritating more than anything). I have a few mouth sores that aren't healing as quickly as I'd like. My finger nails are still slightly concerning some days (today they're ok). Physio is going well and I'm very close to getting back to my full range of motion in my arms/shoulders. And while I'm feeling well overall, I'm feeling a little weak and vulnerable.

So, I'm choosing to spend most of this week hunkering down at home with my family. I'm living in my pyjamas, taking my multivitamins, drinking lots of tea, drinking my greens supplement (since I LOVE leafy green vegetables... sarcasm intended), washing my hands frequently, etc. I'm doing all that I can do to avoid getting sick and trying to encourage my neutrophils to multiply so that I can get chemo.

On Monday I'll have my bloodwork and doctor's appointment to find out if I'll get chemo on Tuesday.

Should my neutrophils not be high enough on Monday, it will be ok. I'll definitely be disappointed but I know it's not the end of the world. I'll get chemo a week later (on Christmas Eve) & I'll do my best to make that chemo room the place to be on Christmas Eve! This is all a part of His plan and I trust He knows best.

P. S. Thank you to the people who put together the two lovely gift baskets we received last week! I don't know who you are but wanted to let you know that one of the baskets had two things that were on my wish list (one of the things I'd asked my family for and the other thing I hadn't even said I wanted it aloud!). The other basket was filled with treats for the whole family. Thank you especially for thinking of special treats for my husband & son!

Drinking my greens... Yummy!