Live Stream of Krista's Celebration of Life

For those of you wanting to watch Krista's service from elsewhere in the world, here's a link.  Her Celebration of Life will begin at 10:50 a.m. PST Saturday, August 22, 2015.

Krista Celebration of Life Live Stream

Donation Information

For those asking about sending donations via the mail, you may send them to:

Pacific Community Church

Attn:  Xhevat Krasniqi

5337 180 Street

Surrey, BC

V3S 4K5

Thanks

 

Celebration of Life

A Celebration of Life for Krista Krasniqi will be held at:

Pacific Community Church

5337 180th Street, Cloverdale, BC

Saturday, August 22, 2015 at 11 a.m.

Krista would like for us to wear colours (but not pink) to help celebrate the joy in her life.  (Krista wanted her life to reflect Christ, not cancer - pink reminded her of cancer.)

In lieu of flowers, Krista requests that donations be made to any of the following:

1) A fund for Matias, her son - cheques can be made to "Xhevat Krasniqi" who will manage the account.

2) Pacific Community Church Missions, a ministry which Krista was a part of at church - cheques can be made to the "Missional Fund at PCC".

3) DRIME, a drama ministry that Krista was involved in - cheques can be made to "DRIME".

Final Hug

My final breath on earth has been taken.  I am with my sweet Jesus.  I am healed.  No more suffering, no more pain.  I will give hugs to whom I've promised.

-Krista

Update from Krista's Family

Many of you are asking about Krista. Krista is in rough shape right now.  She sleeps much of the day and is confined to her bed.  She is eating very little and is even non-responsive at times.  She is often confused and isn't able to respond to emails and messages any more.  

Please continue to pray for Krista, Xhevat, Matias and our whole family. Times are tough and we are all tired. Please pray especially for peace, comfort and strength.  

As for visitors, we truly love you all, but now is not a good time to visit.  Thanks for your understanding.

Nicole (on behalf of the family)

Shaken Up and Settling Down

  On Tuesday I had a large scary seizure and was unconscious much of Tuesday. The home care nurses came and put some needles just under my skin to inject medicine. I woke up and now I'm listening to my boy singing and the birds also singing. Hoping for better days. 

These are busy days and I'm tired so if you want to visit let Xhevat know so we can find times when I have more energy.

http://trustinggodwithmyfuture.blogspotlWhen my boys see I'm doing well. 

Where to Spend Time & Energy

I am somewhat confused at priorities these days. My computer and iPhone both required repairs the same week. Then it took a bit to get things back up and.running. Then my vision went in my left eye and so I'm adjusting to not being able to see able see. And I'm trying so hard to make a video for my funeral and i don't have the energy.

I'm sleeping more but am more tired and requiring more care. I don't like this direction we're headed and it is requiring me much more time to post a blog entry. 

Just swinging around 

My handsome boy 

The tray table my husband made me so that my arms did not hurt as much.

Joy & Suffering

Who do you call when your spouse dies? I really don't know. I can only imagine that the shock and grief is enough that even with the best of preplanning that something is forgotten and something. Doesn't as planned.

And when you're in a foreign country where cultures and practices are different, someone is bound to be hurt. Someone is bound to be offended. And while the person who has just died is celebrating in heaven, there is still grace & mourning here on earth. If it is healthy this process can start way before death.

Suffering can be a bruising of a blessing. - Joni E Tada

 

We've talked a little more of some of these things. We might still be here at the actual rapture if God gives us that time trying to figure things out if not, No matter what each person will need an extra portion of grace. They will need closeness, distance, an ear to be silent upon, an ear to just listen.  They mighr need clarification or understanding or things repeated in a different way might need something that isn't even recognized. Anyways, thjoy in this house. Twice so far we have celebrated with worship and communion -- a more intimate time of focusing on God. I don't know if I'll be here that long but either way, there is joy.

Joy & suffering (: yesterday was our 8th anniversary & suffering: my skin bruises and tears more easily due to its fragility)

Eight years ago

Pure joy

How is your day going today?

How is your day going today? And they truly want an in depth answer. Part of my answer was: I'm trying to figure that out myself. I think good so far.

It's a difficult question for me as I don't want to which I don't want to give a flippant answer but yet it is overwhelmingly difficult to answer each time. This friend who asked was by no means prying and truly cared about my answer.

Anyway I just wanted to share about my afternoon. After my morning bed bath, I usually get tired and have a nap. Then lunch and possibly and another nap. Well this afternoon my husband asked me if I wanted to go into the back yard and just relax. I can't walk and it means him carrying me down stairs which I can only imagine is quite difficult as I heard both of our bones cracked and creaked in protest.

Ok... now remember that chair that the fabric had torn and I fell through it? Well, he repurposed it to an even comfier anti-gravity chair and had made the yard beautiful! His transplanted mini rose bush (I was a doubter of it working), our trellis with grape vines, my blue hydrangea bush, other flowers, our fountain, our patio set, our son's new pool. It was just all so beautiful.

We just sat there for a while. Matias played buck naked preferring the freedom of peeing in the corner of the yard than his potty. Xhevat would point out certain features of plants or the garden features. We listened to the birds. Just a beautiful afternoon.

So yes, it was a good afternoon. Thanks for asking... and if I choose to say, "I'm not answering that question, please respect that too."

My backyard  view

Community

OoThis week some friends came over. They didn't come to chat or have fun. They came to worship God & have communion together. Oh how I've missed that!

Business first though. My palliative care nurse and a bed bath.

We also had others stop by. The first - a friend just wanting to say hello and drop off ice cream. The second a friend from work wanting to drop off an extra meal, the third wanting to drop off some home baked buns. And then the fourth, a meeting (which has not happened yet) presumedly about my funeral.

Oh what a busy day! This is not a normal day. The door is locked. No more. I am exhausted.

But back to the community part of it... I've worshiped God alone through song but not both through worship nor communion at home lately. I've deeply missed it. What a beautiful pleasure of Emmanuel - God with us. It wasn't organized per se with an order of service (that I know of). There was a little message but there was hope and off pitch singing and just physically being together. And then we were served communion. Out of the eleven people I believe we represented nine churches from Vancouver to Abbotsford.

How incredible is that eleven people can get together after 21 years, not to speak or catch up on many words but rather singing praises to our God together. There weren't very many words or chit chat shared, which would be our norm. It seemed out of place. We just got together to praise Him and spend time with him. What a beautiful picture of what heaven will look like... in perfection.

 I'm just so thankful for community.

Communion - Together - Emmanuel - God with Us 

Even M got into the praise & worship at the end!

A different evening of community (A different M even had his cow's bell) and we won 7-1!

You're Not Enough

You're not enough. You will never be enough.

What if this is true? What if my good deeds need to outweigh my bad ones? Then I will be healed. I just need to be good enough. Or have enough hope. I can't give up hope or I will no chance.

I'm thinking I'm getting closer to death (obviously -- aren't we all). I don't know what it feels like to die or be "closer" to death or how to die. I'm scared at times and totally at peace at other times.

But I just can't believe it (I say with with a sigh of relief). It can't be about me or how good I am or who scored the most goals in the soccer game. Yes the ref awards points but I couldn't have scored a goal if someone hadn't lost something. And that something was my Jesus' life on the cross. He didn't do anything wrong. I am so confident that the lame soccer analogy is enough to get me to heaven.

I'm not enough. And scoring all the goals in the world won't earn my way. So I'm going to stop to be enough. I will however strive to be a better person as God leads me and I will do my best to score as many victories as I can along the way.

Colors, Numbers & Emotions... trying to figure them out

Snippets of God's Glimmering Hope

Yes we have enough tears in our home but our home is generally surrounded by joy, hope, laughter & me sleeping at odd times and in odd places. Here are some of those thoughts/experiences.

In the morning, I'm often awakened by the cacophony of birds in conversation outside my window. I wonder what they are saying to each other.

Making risotto is a challenge on a marriage especially when the instructions are not clear and one partner is trying to give instructions. Our lemon prawn risotto was interesting to say the least.

When one's iPhone goes into Braille/voice control mode and everything freezes you may try and fix that problem you turn on your computer which has been taken over by Trojan viruses and you have no access to the Internet to try and get help or recover any data from your hard drive. Thanks to some friends who can make most situations enjoyable, we were able to have a good laugh. Thanks L, L, & S.

And an especially big thanks to M who spends countless hours trying to fix (and was pretty sure he had).

Friends who come over.

A very intelligent boy who can read, write, and is almost potty trained. I didn't think I'd see these days. Thank you God.

My repurposed anti-gravity chair which would be covered with a couch cushion cover. Thanks J!

Friends who offer to watch us so Xh can play some football.

Being able to celebrate

The view in my backyard from chair. Thanks for all your hard work Xh!

Suffering can be a bruising of a blessing. - Joni E Tada

Will Be Going Home

Medically I'm worse... I started out with breast cancer in about six places just over... I added another three places in Oct & March... and we've since learned that it's now my brain and lungs... and in some of the more rare and difficult parts of my brain which make good treatment options much fewer and not as effective. I was just told on Monday that they have no more treatment options for me.

What does this mean for mean for me? I was given 2-6 weeks (I honestly don't remember much more as my brain feels like mush). More decisions need to be made. Xhevat and I are in shock. I'd just allowed myself to start planning for Matias' party.

Please pray for steadiness of heart.

I have not given up my hope or turned on my faith. Death and pain is still real with faith. I am going to speak boldly now. Words can be extremely hurtful at this time -- intentionally or unintentionally. 

Dying is a real thing and words can damage. Please be careful on my heart and those close to me.

Still surrendering with hope

A Grateful Day

Two years ago I was given two to three years to live. That prognosis shortened as my diagnosis progressed... and I've exceeded my prognoses greatly. For time I am grateful. 

We've had an exceptionally exciting few weeks. Here are some things/people I am exceptionally thankful for:

- Former landlords and The Home Depot for hosting an amazing fundraiser

- My sister for arranging meals for us

- Close friends who know when to come over and how to encourage me

- Worshipping & having communion together

- Getting outside and sitting in the sunshine on a beautiful day

- The Home Depot's flexibility and generosity in Xhevat's scheduling

- Fresh fruit & veggies, especially watermelon this week

- For a friend who went three times to pick up a commode on wheels

- For a shower instead of a bed bath

- Xhevat, my faithful husband, who has done everything at least once for me. I can't imagine getting through especially these last two years without him

Today is a grateful day.

My 14 year old glasses. 

I Am Ready to Die

I am ready to die. To take my final breath on this earth. To say goodbye until heaven. To say my purpose here has been fulfilled. To leave things unfinished that I don't need to accomplish and to trust Him to finish or not finish things. I don't need any more. I'm ready.

I have not given up hope or stopped believing that I can be healed. I have not stopped believing. I don't believe I've stopped growing in my faith. I do do believe I have enough faith to be healed because I'm good enough. I don't believe I'm good enough, but because of what he has done for me, I can be. I long for complete peace and rest nestling up in Jesus' lap. I love sharing my story and wonder when God will say "Enough, my child. Rest. Your work is done. Be silent."

I'm ready to die.

Isn't saying I'm ready to die just meaning it is well with my soul?

Touch Your Robe

How long, oh Lord, must I endure this pain? Your clay pot has been broken. Isn't that enough? 

My heart is filled with sadness and confusion. I don't know what to do.

I know my hope is in You and I desperately seek your comfort. I'm broken. What else am I supposed to do?

Let me touch your robe. Can I be your miracle?

Within My Arms' Reach

Since losing strength and sensation in my legs, my life has changed to only things within my arms' reach. Basically I'm confined to my hospital bed or our couch unless someone moves me. And then you have to work through side rails finding the right angle and strength. It can be truly humbling at times or it can be angering when you want something and can't have it. 

I have some strength and most of the time I have a clear mind. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I have faith and hope in a God who will never leave me. I have time to read Scripture and pray for me & others.

What else do I really need?

Trying to make sure I have everything I "need" within arm's reach.

Stress & Cracks

Extended times of stress change you. The stress doesn't have to be big or small or all at once. They can be super small and over time.

And then one day, things shift dramatically.

As I understand the earthquake in Nepal two big plates of rock that had been moving really slowly grinding against each other until the pressure was too much and the rocks moved in a big way. The plates had only moved a tiny bit per year but on April 25, enough was enough. That's all it took to make huge slabs of the earth move and lots of destruction.

We've had 2 years and 3 months to be processing our cancer -- I'm very thankful for God's generosity of time. I'm a processor and prefer to be given time on big events. Then again maybe I'm just a slow learner or indecisive.

The 11th place of cancer in my body  really shook my foundation up again this week. I was told after I'd written in my blog entry that my lung metastases probably wouldn't affect the course of my death -- one less thing to worry about. It doesn't lighten the result of that last mm that it took to shake things up but it does allow me to say that it was a pretty hard blow.

And it's really hard to be a controlling person from a hospital bed when all that you can get and is within your arm's reach... but yet you don't want to be a burden to others and contribute to their stress.

Like in Nepal I had an aftershock this week as well -- I believe it was a spiritual attack. If he couldn't get to me physically, he wanted to crush my faith. What could I do from my bed and with whom could I get support? Two ladies with firm foundations. I asked them to pray. And then I started my journey.

I was challenged to read Scripture and pray. Psalms it was and quieting my brain was almost impossible... but it was done over time. At the end of it all I fell asleep (or seized because I'd forgotten to take lunch and dinner medications). I woke up feeling rested, refreshed and at peace knowing God has been in control of each of the earthquakes in my life. My work is to keep a steady, faithful and growing heart. All else "është për kot" (is in vain) unless I'm growing in God. I'm going to be shaken; I wouldn't be human if I wasn't shaken at least a bit. And when my foundation settles, if I allow myself to be shaken and surrender, my faith can be firmer and I can trust in Him more.

My heart needs to learn to be steadier and allow the earthquake to make me surrender all the while maintaining my core foundation in Christ.

Yet my heart continues to bubble in the knowledge that I might be in heaven soon. I'm going to miss you but the choice between you and heaven is pretty easy to make.

Stress & cracks

Breathing

Yesterday I received a little bit more bad news. The cancer has also moved to my lungs. "Just" three spots but there's nothing extra to do. Most of the other stuff is stable.

One of my greatest fears is suffocating. 

Sometimes I like to...

Life changes when you become a mom. I don't mean to sound like I'm a 

better person than those who don't have children. Priorities change, sleep patterns change, the little voice that sings to or swears at nights changes. It's not to brag about or complain about certain things. And most days you can take it. Then there are some days you can't. You have to know to... but it seems impossible.

You would do anything for your child... take their pain, suffering, and try to point them in a good way. You'd pound your fists at their antics yet bellow from the depths of your soul at their decisions. 

The cross is the best way of leading us and then you let us go. You pray fervently and that's all can be done. Scary, isn't it?

I love you mom and I'm learning how to follow and lead. Yes, you "gave me up" but you're still my mom and a mom I need in my life. Help me, be patient with me, but never let me go completely.

Sometimes a daughter, sometimes a mother, always God's daughter. On those days we can't take it anymore, we're in this together.

Oh my poor boy. I hope you have better eyesight than your mama. You are adorable. By the way, these glasses are "vintage" but back in style now (circa 2001). I had to buy a pair of glasses instead of contacts when I got an eye infection just before a missions trip to West Africa. I guess it pays to save old glasses so that you can make your child cute.

May the Force With You

 Just Some Lighter Hearted Humour

We all need some days when we just laugh and end enjoy. Here are some of our of those pictures for now.

May the Real Force Be with You.

May the force be with you - Star Wars

Just those eyes!

Not bad Mike.

Sweet and oh so yummy!

Ok... And if you can have a bit off can of off humour, here's a website: http://info.emilymcdowell.com/empathy-cards-for-serious-illness/

(Copy & paste please)

Gwampa

Grandpa was allowed to come home for a few hours on a day pass today from the hospital. It's been more than two weeks since grandpa and Matias have seen each other.

Matias was just waking up from his nap. Sometimes previously when Matias would wake up in the mornings grandpa would stick his fingers under the door & wiggle them and Matias would giggle and touch his hand.

Today when grandpa did that Matias said, "Dadda." A couple seconds later there was an awed gasp from behind the door and an amazed voice that said, "Gwampa!"

It was so good for me to simply see my dad, enjoy his company for a few hours, and see grandpa and Matias together.

Food art from Sept, 2014 - they have a special relationship.

A Post From Dad & Me

It looked like things were going well postoperatively for dad. He could swallow again which was a welcome outcome. Unfortunately something changed overnight on Monday and he's back not being able to swallow.

This is scary for me. I'm used to my dad being the strong, healthy one. I'm used to him taking care of me -- driving me to appointments, giving me additional support & wisdom, coming into my "bedroom" many times a day asking me how I'm doing, making me coffee. I haven't seen him for over a week (because he's in the hospital and of germs) and I miss him a lot.

We still don't have a diagnosis and that is difficult as well too. So until work) then he will remain in hospital and I at home and will continue to pray.

No one like to see their dad weak.

DAD SAYS: 

23 pokes (IV or blood)

4 X-rays

1 CT

4-5 cameras up nose

1 under anaesthetic - examined epiglottis, vocal cords, etc; took two laser biopsies

8 approx. specialists seen (approx. 4 ENTs, 1 speech therapist, 2 infectious specialists)

All biopsies, bloodwork, etc. are within normal except for a bacterial infection in my throat which has caused me to stop swallowing including my own saliva. If things do not improve this weekend, they will insert a food tube directly into my stomach.

Pray for healing so that I don't need this procedure.

Must celebrate birthdays with a balloon & tiara

NPO: nothing by mouth

This has been yet another exceptionally busy and difficult week for us. I'll get to the point. Dad started to choke on food at Easter. He was admitted to ER. He was was discharged from ER Tuesday afternoon but had more problems and had to be readmitted that night. He was unable to swallow any saliva, water or fluids and has had a feeding tube put down his nose to give him some nutrition.

Life is complicated.

So dad is in the hospital. Today is his birthday. He can't eat or drink anything. And he is needing to have a procedure/surgery done which will require sedation -- not exactly the ideal birthday. The docs aren't sure of a diagnosis but at this point apparently it's something bacterial so dad and I can't see each other. We are much more sympathetic to each others' journeys these days.

Please pray for our family as we are carrying another heavy load.

Family dinner together this past Christmas

Manure

This has been yet another exceptionally busy day for us. I'll get to the point. Dad, who infrequently sees need for a doctor, ended up in the hospital for a night with choking and having difficulty swallowing. The problem was caught early thankfully and he is "home" now being treated.

Nicole & Aubree came on Monday. We had musical caregivers at one point as a friend was caring for me & Matias, Nicole was driving from Kelowna, Xhevat was driving mom to see dad and dad was in ER. I had my regular four or five appointments and Easter Monday only complicated plans as many things were closed or excessively busy. And then there was bloodwork and chemo today. Dad got to experience part of my world as he got EIGHT pokes for bloodwork and IVs plus extra needles during his stay (I've never had that many in one day -- way to go dad!).

I might get in trouble for over sharing but I (and we) are getting overwhelmed by the little things and we're trying to hold it all together for each other. It is working sometimes. We need prayer obviously for maintaining our sanity and for dad to regain his health but we have other needs as well. My sister and her family may need help with rides or meals. Depending on how dad is doing, we may need some help with Matias. Xhevat has taken some days off to help us all (as he's doing much of everything in our daily lives). It's difficult to ask for help for me as bathing and lifting to and from the toilet is not something I feel comfortable asking of friends (hence one of the reasons Xhevat is off work and I'm receiving the assistance of palliative homecare). Rides are even difficult to ask for as I need assistance getting into and out of vehicles.

Life is complicated.

Our home is close to some agricultural fields and today was a day when they were spreading manure. When we got back from chemo it was certainly smelling like manure. This has definitely been a manure-y day.

Life has been more complicated. At least I get to park a little closer.

Waiting

A year ago on the day between Good Friday and Easter, I was waiting and hoping and trying to get information. I had just been told my cancer had gone into my brain but I was still quite hopeful that treatment could be done on the two lesions they'd found. Later I'd find out that there were nine lesions in worse places than were anticipated which would require more serious treatment.

Today on the day in between I am also waiting but in a different way. I've doubled the average life expectancy of my diagnosis, have had a few more seizures and am not doing as well as last year. It may not be the answer I was looking for but I thank God for the time I've been given.

Really and truly I'm waiting for death (not knowing exactly what that means) but trying to live life fully from my bed at home. It's hard to not let things stress me with all things going on. Things that stress me can cause me seizures and pain. It's hard to allow the pain to force me to take more medication.

But I will wait... for Sunday. And when Jesus says it's time (and I don't know when that will be), I want to be waiting at the tomb with expectation.

Waiting & Expecting

Living Gifts

Over the past couple of month especially, you have been exceptionally generous with meals, cards & messages, visits, gifts, prayers and much, much more. We have been blessed not because of the objects we've received but because of your hearts of generosity, love, and encouragement. It's because of your character demonstrated in our lives.

It doesn't matter who you are... friend, family, stranger, co-worker, neighbour, church family, married to me... I'm thankful to God for you. 

Please know that if I haven't seen you when you've come or I've cancelled, it's me.

Thank you for being who you are and for being a blessing to me. You've given my heart life.

Some living gifts... lobsters!

Days Lost

Around the time of my seizures I've recently learned that I lost days of my memories. I was "awake" for parts of them and making sense. I posted a blog entry and was interactive with others. Some moments I can recall -- like saying "don't call 911" but there are also times like travelling back from Florida that I remember nothing (sorry Jim... you're forgettable).

My brain just isn't what it once was.

At first I thought it was just minutes or hours, and then after asking questions I realized it was days. It's scary realizing that you've been active but have no recollection of anything.

Just another day in my life.

Spending more time in bed

Bad Days & A Better One

I feel like I'm a remnant of what I once was. I've been torn and reduced to lesser portions of me. I'm weak, needing to rely on others for the basics of life and being unstable medically. Emotionally I'm fragile and lacking motivation to do anything and everything except for eating a lot and still not gaining weight. I've learned there are hours and possibly days I have little to no memory of around my seizures. It's disturbing.

Having said that my family thinks I'm stronger this week than last. I have been trying to find my motivation, purpose and feist (which if you know me is not something I'm usually needing to find). I'm trying to regulate my pain medication and accept the advice I usually gave to others (it's ok/better to take pain meds when needed; don't just tough it out and think you'll be better for it).

I'm reliving life as a child and learning something new. With family, I'll be baking a friend's wedding cake and learning how to make fondant and gum paste flowers and decorations -- something I've never done before and should be able to do safely from home.

And then there's being read to. I could write a whole entry on this (and still might). As kids my dad would read stories to us going to bed. I was a very good sleeper and would fall asleep by the second paragraph. Dad asked if he could read his favourite  story to me again -- Narnia: the Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. So together we are each day. Me, lying in my hospital bed in our home's office and him slightly reclining, in the office chair beside my bed. This time I fight to stay awake.

It has been a good day today.

This is my arm today. I've got purple spotted leopard print bruising on my arms, thighs, ankles & feet. Gotta love the effects of medications -- which ones (chemo, my steroids, etc.) I do not know but apparently it's normal!

Although not this book, I finally got through "Are You My Mother?" successfully. It's interesting how the stories take on different meanings depending on what's going on in your life.