Bad Days & A Better One

I feel like I'm a remnant of what I once was. I've been torn and reduced to lesser portions of me. I'm weak, needing to rely on others for the basics of life and being unstable medically. Emotionally I'm fragile and lacking motivation to do anything and everything except for eating a lot and still not gaining weight. I've learned there are hours and possibly days I have little to no memory of around my seizures. It's disturbing.

Having said that my family thinks I'm stronger this week than last. I have been trying to find my motivation, purpose and feist (which if you know me is not something I'm usually needing to find). I'm trying to regulate my pain medication and accept the advice I usually gave to others (it's ok/better to take pain meds when needed; don't just tough it out and think you'll be better for it).

I'm reliving life as a child and learning something new. With family, I'll be baking a friend's wedding cake and learning how to make fondant and gum paste flowers and decorations -- something I've never done before and should be able to do safely from home.

And then there's being read to. I could write a whole entry on this (and still might). As kids my dad would read stories to us going to bed. I was a very good sleeper and would fall asleep by the second paragraph. Dad asked if he could read his favourite  story to me again -- Narnia: the Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe. So together we are each day. Me, lying in my hospital bed in our home's office and him slightly reclining, in the office chair beside my bed. This time I fight to stay awake.

It has been a good day today.

This is my arm today. I've got purple spotted leopard print bruising on my arms, thighs, ankles & feet. Gotta love the effects of medications -- which ones (chemo, my steroids, etc.) I do not know but apparently it's normal!

Although not this book, I finally got through "Are You My Mother?" successfully. It's interesting how the stories take on different meanings depending on what's going on in your life.