Looking Back and Looking Forward

Relief is good... I hadn't known what to expect from my CT results and I was very pleased to have to go for a long walk with my dad.  His 2 km challenge and my 4 km response turned into a 4.8 km walk in the drizzling BC rain.  And the rain didn't bother me at all!

When I was pregnant, I remember hearing a song on the radio about a dad practising dancing with his daughter for her wedding. I'd just found out I was having a boy and through tears I thought of him escorting me down the aisle at his wedding.  Even though he was still so tiny and I'd never even met him yet, I was honored that God had entrusted this little boy to us.  I was also overwhelmed at the thought of being a mom of a boy and how my relationship with him could impact his relationship with his future wife.  Even though it was so far away, I started praying for my son and the girl who would become his wife.

Since my diagnosis, it's been very hard to think of the future. I don't know how much of a future I have.  It's been hard to allow those close to me to remain close. My irrational heart thought it would be easier to just start pushing people away now rather than when things got more difficult. When I was able to put this fear into words, I was told very firmly that this was not ok and that I had to stop doing this. My fears were heard but I was reminded that we need each other to get through each day no matter whether they would be good days or bad days.

The "distant future" for my son has changed since my diagnosis.  Now I would like to be able to see him on his first day of school and be the proudest mommy ever making sure that every hair is in place and he's dressed properly and I'd be taking pictures of him in front of our door wearing his little backpack.  Even this has seemed too far away at times and so I've thought of simply planning his first birthday in August. 

I had the privilege of having coffee today with another young mother who has a similar diagnosis. Í met her seven weeks ago but because of our different chemo days and the effects of chemo, this was the first time we were able to get together.  It was such a relief to be able to be able to share our joys, fears... and dark humor about our horrible diagnoses. I asked her how far into the future she was able to think... for her it was the end of this year.

On my "long" walk with dad a couple days ago, I noticed a little kid riding a bike. "I'm looking forward to seeing Matias ride a bike," was my first reaction. That thought surprised me because it brought joy to my heart about our future -- not fear or sadness. Since getting my CT results, I've allowed myself to have some of these thoughts of a future and I can even possibly see me in them.  What a change this is in me!  While the future seems more than a little daunting at times, I'm going to do my best to enjoy each day (even walks in the rain) and I plan to create special memories with those I love along the way.