How is your day going today?

How is your day going today? And they truly want an in depth answer. Part of my answer was: I'm trying to figure that out myself. I think good so far.

It's a difficult question for me as I don't want to which I don't want to give a flippant answer but yet it is overwhelmingly difficult to answer each time. This friend who asked was by no means prying and truly cared about my answer.

Anyway I just wanted to share about my afternoon. After my morning bed bath, I usually get tired and have a nap. Then lunch and possibly and another nap. Well this afternoon my husband asked me if I wanted to go into the back yard and just relax. I can't walk and it means him carrying me down stairs which I can only imagine is quite difficult as I heard both of our bones cracked and creaked in protest.

Ok... now remember that chair that the fabric had torn and I fell through it? Well, he repurposed it to an even comfier anti-gravity chair and had made the yard beautiful! His transplanted mini rose bush (I was a doubter of it working), our trellis with grape vines, my blue hydrangea bush, other flowers, our fountain, our patio set, our son's new pool. It was just all so beautiful.

We just sat there for a while. Matias played buck naked preferring the freedom of peeing in the corner of the yard than his potty. Xhevat would point out certain features of plants or the garden features. We listened to the birds. Just a beautiful afternoon.

So yes, it was a good afternoon. Thanks for asking... and if I choose to say, "I'm not answering that question, please respect that too."

My backyard  view

Community

OoThis week some friends came over. They didn't come to chat or have fun. They came to worship God & have communion together. Oh how I've missed that!

Business first though. My palliative care nurse and a bed bath.

We also had others stop by. The first - a friend just wanting to say hello and drop off ice cream. The second a friend from work wanting to drop off an extra meal, the third wanting to drop off some home baked buns. And then the fourth, a meeting (which has not happened yet) presumedly about my funeral.

Oh what a busy day! This is not a normal day. The door is locked. No more. I am exhausted.

But back to the community part of it... I've worshiped God alone through song but not both through worship nor communion at home lately. I've deeply missed it. What a beautiful pleasure of Emmanuel - God with us. It wasn't organized per se with an order of service (that I know of). There was a little message but there was hope and off pitch singing and just physically being together. And then we were served communion. Out of the eleven people I believe we represented nine churches from Vancouver to Abbotsford.

How incredible is that eleven people can get together after 21 years, not to speak or catch up on many words but rather singing praises to our God together. There weren't very many words or chit chat shared, which would be our norm. It seemed out of place. We just got together to praise Him and spend time with him. What a beautiful picture of what heaven will look like... in perfection.

 I'm just so thankful for community.

Communion - Together - Emmanuel - God with Us 

Even M got into the praise & worship at the end!

A different evening of community (A different M even had his cow's bell) and we won 7-1!

You're Not Enough

You're not enough. You will never be enough.

What if this is true? What if my good deeds need to outweigh my bad ones? Then I will be healed. I just need to be good enough. Or have enough hope. I can't give up hope or I will no chance.

I'm thinking I'm getting closer to death (obviously -- aren't we all). I don't know what it feels like to die or be "closer" to death or how to die. I'm scared at times and totally at peace at other times.

But I just can't believe it (I say with with a sigh of relief). It can't be about me or how good I am or who scored the most goals in the soccer game. Yes the ref awards points but I couldn't have scored a goal if someone hadn't lost something. And that something was my Jesus' life on the cross. He didn't do anything wrong. I am so confident that the lame soccer analogy is enough to get me to heaven.

I'm not enough. And scoring all the goals in the world won't earn my way. So I'm going to stop to be enough. I will however strive to be a better person as God leads me and I will do my best to score as many victories as I can along the way.

Colors, Numbers & Emotions... trying to figure them out

Snippets of God's Glimmering Hope

Yes we have enough tears in our home but our home is generally surrounded by joy, hope, laughter & me sleeping at odd times and in odd places. Here are some of those thoughts/experiences.

In the morning, I'm often awakened by the cacophony of birds in conversation outside my window. I wonder what they are saying to each other.

Making risotto is a challenge on a marriage especially when the instructions are not clear and one partner is trying to give instructions. Our lemon prawn risotto was interesting to say the least.

When one's iPhone goes into Braille/voice control mode and everything freezes you may try and fix that problem you turn on your computer which has been taken over by Trojan viruses and you have no access to the Internet to try and get help or recover any data from your hard drive. Thanks to some friends who can make most situations enjoyable, we were able to have a good laugh. Thanks L, L, & S.

And an especially big thanks to M who spends countless hours trying to fix (and was pretty sure he had).

Friends who come over.

A very intelligent boy who can read, write, and is almost potty trained. I didn't think I'd see these days. Thank you God.

My repurposed anti-gravity chair which would be covered with a couch cushion cover. Thanks J!

Friends who offer to watch us so Xh can play some football.

Being able to celebrate

The view in my backyard from chair. Thanks for all your hard work Xh!

Suffering can be a bruising of a blessing. - Joni E Tada

Will Be Going Home

Medically I'm worse... I started out with breast cancer in about six places just over... I added another three places in Oct & March... and we've since learned that it's now my brain and lungs... and in some of the more rare and difficult parts of my brain which make good treatment options much fewer and not as effective. I was just told on Monday that they have no more treatment options for me.

What does this mean for mean for me? I was given 2-6 weeks (I honestly don't remember much more as my brain feels like mush). More decisions need to be made. Xhevat and I are in shock. I'd just allowed myself to start planning for Matias' party.

Please pray for steadiness of heart.

I have not given up my hope or turned on my faith. Death and pain is still real with faith. I am going to speak boldly now. Words can be extremely hurtful at this time -- intentionally or unintentionally. 

Dying is a real thing and words can damage. Please be careful on my heart and those close to me.

Still surrendering with hope

A Grateful Day

Two years ago I was given two to three years to live. That prognosis shortened as my diagnosis progressed... and I've exceeded my prognoses greatly. For time I am grateful. 

We've had an exceptionally exciting few weeks. Here are some things/people I am exceptionally thankful for:

- Former landlords and The Home Depot for hosting an amazing fundraiser

- My sister for arranging meals for us

- Close friends who know when to come over and how to encourage me

- Worshipping & having communion together

- Getting outside and sitting in the sunshine on a beautiful day

- The Home Depot's flexibility and generosity in Xhevat's scheduling

- Fresh fruit & veggies, especially watermelon this week

- For a friend who went three times to pick up a commode on wheels

- For a shower instead of a bed bath

- Xhevat, my faithful husband, who has done everything at least once for me. I can't imagine getting through especially these last two years without him

Today is a grateful day.

My 14 year old glasses. 

I Am Ready to Die

I am ready to die. To take my final breath on this earth. To say goodbye until heaven. To say my purpose here has been fulfilled. To leave things unfinished that I don't need to accomplish and to trust Him to finish or not finish things. I don't need any more. I'm ready.

I have not given up hope or stopped believing that I can be healed. I have not stopped believing. I don't believe I've stopped growing in my faith. I do do believe I have enough faith to be healed because I'm good enough. I don't believe I'm good enough, but because of what he has done for me, I can be. I long for complete peace and rest nestling up in Jesus' lap. I love sharing my story and wonder when God will say "Enough, my child. Rest. Your work is done. Be silent."

I'm ready to die.

Isn't saying I'm ready to die just meaning it is well with my soul?

Touch Your Robe

How long, oh Lord, must I endure this pain? Your clay pot has been broken. Isn't that enough? 

My heart is filled with sadness and confusion. I don't know what to do.

I know my hope is in You and I desperately seek your comfort. I'm broken. What else am I supposed to do?

Let me touch your robe. Can I be your miracle?