Just Visiting: A Letter To My Chemo Nurses

With the abrupt stop to my chemo, I didn't really feel like I had a chance to say goodbye.  I've had a few appointments through this last month but I was finally able to get my act together yesterday to thank the nurses who had been a part of my Fridays (and some really difficult moments) for twenty-six weeks. I never had to explain my disease, sorrow or struggles. I had nurses who just listened and understood as best as they could. I met more than twelve nurses but these were the ones that I remembered to write about through my treatment. To those that I have forgotten, I blame it on my chemo brain.

(I've removed the names of the staff from the letter... because that's what I'd want if I was the nurse).

 

 

Sept. 8, 2013

To my chemo nurses:

I have never enjoyed working in oncology. As an "outsider/float nurse" or when an oncology patient was critically ill, it was always very difficult to enter into these established relationships and feel like both I and my skills were trusted. I get it now.

Being an oncology patient is hard enough... but being a nurse and an oncology patient is just down right hard! Thank you for making me feel that I was respected as both... and for accepting my questions, conspiracy theories, black humor & jokes.

Thank you too for accepting my constant questions and desire to know more about what's going on with me. I have been trying to learn to be an advocate with kindness for myself. I hope that has come across as I have nothing but huge respect for each of you.

This is NOT a goodbye... I'm only on my first line of chemo! After a good long time on oral meds (I'm happy with decades), I hope to become a repeat frequent flyer here so that my cancer and I can coexist for a long, long time.  Or perhaps I'll just amaze you all with an inexplicable No Evidence of Disease or be miraculously healed. Then I'll just have to come back to visit or volunteer... or work. :-)

Yes, that's how much you've changed my thoughts and my heart about oncology nursing. While I still don't know if I could do pediatric oncology, I've come to love and appreciate the roles you have played in my life through this time. Thank you!

Nurse S: my first chemo nurse, has given really supportive advice @ critical times (end of first chemo session: "You're leaving with less cancer than you arrived here with" and after some loud banter & a delay in giving care because I was saying congrats and goodbyes to another pt & support person @ her last chemo session: "your conversation and connecting with other patients are an important part of your treatment."

Nurse L: always up for a laugh & a joke but is also extremely empathetic, I love the environment and friendships that are created around you; a nurse that I can fall asleep with when getting chemo... but one I want to stay awake with and enjoy! Sorry for getting you in trouble... not really (next time I'm pulling the call button and blaming it on you!). Thanks too for being my "last" chemo nurse... this time.

Nurse T: gave me my first 'bad' news of low neutrophils, extremely empathetic and willing to research the weird ANC questions from my pediatric perspective, shows humility

Nurse K: very thorough and diligent in your work, thanks for letting me give you the finger as you started my IV... and thanks for not poking me on the day when my chemo was delayed

Nurse S: gentle, kind, concerned, a genuine smile; I was warned you were a great chemo nurse and those warnings were true... thank you

Nurse B: always moving and solving problems; thorough (I love that you talk through situations out loud... then again, maybe you just did that for me... I felt like I was able to be more involved in my care and what was going on)

Nurse O: a hard worker; willing to trade baby stories & pictures... it was great to see your growing belly!

Nurse Y: always willing to be a resource and share with me both as a nurse and patient ; I love that you're not only a nurse but have also done/do extremely different jobs in your life

Nurse S: my chemo teach nurse who got my first snarky comment; you always have a kind, gentle smile on your face & this calming presence about you... thank you for taking my snarky comment in stride and for not writing me off immediately

Nurse N: my football friend & made a bit of a mess spilling "fluids"; thank you for rearranging my chemo time do that I wasn't going drugged to my doctor's appointment

Nurse L: sorry that I caused you extra paperwork when I reacted; always present & super empathetic; I love how you are gentle and thoughtful in the words you choose

Nurse J: I was a bit of a nervous Nellie when getting chemo. I learned that I need to give people the benefit of the doubt rather than looking for errors to be made; thank you for clarifying things with me from the start and relieving my stress


P.S. If you were wondering why I disappeared from your Friday afternoons, here's the story... Dr. P didn't like that I gave him the finger and so he stopped my chemo.

You're thinking that Dr. P wouldn't do that... well, it's true. Ask Nurse L. She was there!

My fingernails, combined with a staph infection and low neutrophils, got the better of me. August's first Friday brought a delay for chemo and a round of antibiotics. When the infection still wasn't clearing up as quickly as desired and my neutrophils stayed low, Dr. P decided to stop chemo after I showed him my fingers (see, I told you it was true). I'm thankful for his insight as it took another round of antibiotics and my neutrophils to drop even further before things started to get better.

The remainder of August was a blur. We had lots of visitors, a vacation in WA and a big party for our boy's first birthday. My fingernails are no longer infected and I'm no longer neutropenic!

 

Thank you for bringing joy, encouragement, understanding, hope, and laughter to my Fridays for twenty-six weeks. And thank you for being a part of helping me see my son's first birthday. You have no idea how you've changed my life. Thank you!

Krista

My "thank you" to my nurses.