Have you ever wanted something so badly that your heart physically aches when someone else receives what you want?
I've been on this journey for eighteen months. In that time I've heard of and met many people who have been diagnosed with various cancers from stages I to IV. We've shared stories, nurses, dark humour, chemo socks, side effects, fears, joys, and so much more. It is horribly comforting to meet someone who understands. You never want someone to bear a similar burden but yet it's refreshing to be able to confide in someone who is in a similar situation.
The hardest and best news to receive from these friends is that they have finished their treatment and their cancer is in remission. I rejoice with them. I am thrilled that surgery or chemo or radiation or prayers have brought health and healing to their bodies.
But at the same time, I'm grieving deeply. Grieving the loss of someone who is journeying with me. Grieving the fact that they are finished with treatment and I am not. Grieving their health or wellness and my lack of it. Grieving that they get to grow their out and I'm wondering when I'll have to shave it again.
I guess when it comes down to it, I'm jealous. I want what they have. I want to have curable cancer. I don't want to have a palliative diagnosis. I don't want unpredictable brain metastases. I want to be able to dream and plan for Christmas or where I want to vacation next year. I don't want to be dying.
Yet, we're all dying. And in a way, I have it a little easier because I'm aware that my health isn't good and I can prepare for the future. I can write cards and take pictures. I can have intimate conversations and boldly share my heart. I can hurt with others who are hurting with new understanding.
I crave normal and/or stable. I'd love for my biggest problems to be a son who's teething or switching shifts at work or commuting to work (Please understand, I'm not saying that those aren't real or significant problems. I just think I'd rather have those problems).
I'm going to have another CT later this week -- my twelfth CT in the last eighteen months. More anticipation, more anxiety, more radiation. I would love to get the news that they can't find any cancer in me -- my cancer is in remission forever. I'm healed. And there could be no possible human or medical explanation... other than God.
So pick me God... for complete healing (or even just that my cancer is stable). I know I don't deserve it given all that You've done for me. You've told me to ask and so I will. And even though it hurts, I will celebrate with those who get good news. And I will continue to hurt with those who are hurting. Please pick me God.
Oh Krista. Yes. I know well that feeling as we heard and watched others be healed as my mom got sicker. I remember feeling so mad when I heard my friend's mom had been given the all clear as mine struggled to deal with the horridness of chemo. It just wasn't fair. I struggled to genuinely rejoice with others in their good news. I sometimes still do. I'll never understand why He chose as He did with my mom but then again I'll never understand why He chose to die for us either. I'm praying with you that God will choose you as you have said and also that your heart will be free to rejoice and grieve without guilt for the grief in these circumstances. Shedding tears with you in this.... and begging on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying that He will pick you.
ReplyDeleteOh Krista, John and I are praying, too, that God would choose to heal you.
ReplyDeleteI have not been stricken w/a serious illness but our daughter was quite ill last year, recovering from anorexia nervosa. Her heart was affected. She went downhill soooo fast. I grieved for so many losses...her health, her mind, her heart, her joy, her desite to live. Time passed in slow motion. I feared her life would end way too soon and tragically. I am much more aware that His grace was/is sufficient. My baby girl is better now, turning 16 in a few wks, but there is a shadow called fear and I try not to let him into my thoughts.
I pray Matias will become a young man with you, his God~fearing momma, at his side with your beloved husband, howing him how to be tender, to be funny, to study his classes, to love the the Lord all his heart and to fix the brokenhearted with Gospel.
At the throne of grace, pleading He picks you,
Diane Dower