Coffee or water. Cereal or bagel. Shower or pjs. Smile or frown. Crawl or walk.
Yesterday our son decided that he wanted to walk. He'd taken his first steps a while ago but decided that his preferred method of transportation was hands and knees... until yesterday.
With his legs bowed, bottom sticking out and his right hand reaching forward, he tentatively let go of the couch with his left hand and walked to the other couch. Realizing that he safely (and rather quickly) went from one couch to the other, he did it again but this time he aimed for the wide expanse toward the kitchen. Overcome by everything he plopped down on his diaper cushioned bottom. And within seconds he was again up and getting places on his two feet. All that the two of us parents could do was watch with glowing grins of delight and pride. Occasionally we'd clap our hands and exclaim, "Yeah!" And our boy would look back at us, flap his arms in excitement, squeal with delight, and clap his hands.
On this journey there are many people that are making decisions for or about me... doctors, nurses, government workers, insurance people, friends, family, etc. Some of these decisions are quite significant to me and I have zero control over the outcome.
At times I am unaware of the decisions that are being made. Today I'm painfully aware of a couple of the decisions/outcomes that are in the works. I can plan for possible outcomes and prepare arguments for the decisions that I don't like. I can worry and fret and doubt and fear.
Like my son's decision to walk, I'm taking some steps of faith today. I don't want to waste my energy or joy crawling. I don't want to be consumed by the "what ifs." I want to enjoy today with my family & friends and live with hope and trust. My mind sometimes wanders and my feet falter and I end up sitting in my despair. But like my son, I determinedly get back up and continue to take these awkward first steps until the fears of my heart are relinquished and I'm able to walk confidently in peace.
(And I can just imagine God in all of his bigness and majesty getting down to my level and cheering for me. And I look back at Him with wide eyes in absolute amazement of what was just accomplished. And with joy and excitement and pride in His eyes, He continues to watch my every step and encourage me.)
Walking!
Hi Krista,
ReplyDeleteWe heard your story through your co-workers at the hospital. I'm a paramedic and my wife is an RN. Our thoughts and prayers are with you every day. I took a year off work in 2009 to take care of my mother who had breast cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes and lungs. I spent every single day with her for a year straight and lived with her, going through all the ups and downs, so I feel very close to you when reading your blog. Your story touches me deeply and I will be praying for you every single day. You are so incredibly strong, and so motivational. God definitely put you on this earth for a reason.
In our thoughts and prayers,
Adam & Gillian