I spent the end of last week and the beginning of this week having a pity party. The weather was HOT (it got up to 29.5 degrees inside our house) and I was trying to wrap my head around another twelve weeks of chemo.
Logically if the chemo is working and I'm not having many side effects, more chemo is fantastic... but my heart was feeling differently. It felt like I was just shy of finishing a marathon and another 8 miles was added to the course. With an additional 8 weeks (12 more weeks total), more than likely I will lose the rest of my eyelashes & eyebrows and maybe a finger nail or two with the way things are looking, it will be fall before I'm done, I won't have hair for Christmas, and I just want a Friday without steroids, Benadryl or toxic infusions!
Things hit a low when our family was going to go out and I couldn't fit into any of my shorts or capris (thank you steroids, fatigue, chemo side effects, etc for each contributing to my weight gain).
But then I got a call from a nurse asking if I wanted to add another appointment to my schedule. Not knowing what had been going on through my weekend, the nurse reminded me of how well I am responding and that there are more treatment options available now than when we started.
I tell myself that I need to be thankful and I start thinking of things to be thankful for... thankful for life and breath and purpose... thankful I'm doing so well... thankful for less cancer... thankful for options... thankful for the support of my husband, family and friends... thankful for a little boy who repeated "Mama" for the first time today... thankful for the warm, sunny days... thankful for the cooling breeze from the fan... thankful for retail therapy (and new capris & shorts)... thankful for this moment... thankful for God.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." J. R. R. Tolkien
My boy is thankful that he can fit two soothers in his mouth when he wakes up from his nap
What a completely adorable son you have! Love that photo of him. As a faithful reader of your blog, I have noticed that these persistent feelings from your heart appear to be unwilling to subside, even when you bring the full power of your tremendously grounded and courageous spirit, and your rock-solid faith. Reading about that has led me to wonder -- do you suppose God is calling you to something? And if so, what do you think He wants from you?? I've wondered about that for a little while which is why I posted that previous comment. Now having said that, I have to confess that I find it really hard to watch you suffer (whether in body or spirit) and I do have a deep desire to see you freed from any of that. So maybe this supposed observation stems only from the feelings in my own heart!! Anyway. I just thought I'd mention it.
ReplyDeleteHe is brilliant!!!!! Two soothers! What a sweet boy!!!
ReplyDeleteKrista - prayed for you today as I drove past your old house here in Victoria with Amanda. Thank you for being so transparent on your journey. I have rejoiced with you, wept with you, felt the frustration & pain, and am cheering you on as you run this race that you are in. Regardless of the number of miles ahead, the obstacles you'll face, the fatigue and faltering spirit that may be felt...YOU CAN DO THIS! This path is not one that was a surprise to God...HE knows the plans he has for us and has known since before you were even formed what your days would hold. He's also gone before you and prepared the way...every obstacle and hardship he has already been to before you even get there and is waiting to carry you through those times. YOU CAN DO THIS THROUGH HIS STRENGTH! Isn't it awesome that you don't have to do this on your own? That the fight is a fight you are facing with Him? I think of my mom's own journey and two words come to mind: CHOOSE JOY! Even as you go through those moments of self-pity and doubt and fear & frustration, I can see it & hear it in your words - you are choosing joy despite the circumstances just as James talks about. Keep going. Keep choosing joy. Keep on holding on to the One who endured all things. :)
ReplyDeleteOh and the double soothers is AWESOME!!
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