A New Lump

[My Morning]

Well folks, yesterday was the day I was supposed to go back to work. My maternity leave is finished. I should be getting my scrubs out of storage, babysitting arranged and preparing my brain for PICU nursing and caring for families in crisis.

Instead, I'm still in my pjs. I've had my coffee & bagel and Matias has had his Cheerios and banana. Xhevat, who is back at work now, has already checked in on us and is on his "lunch" break. My thoughts are on new finger foods for my one-year old, how soon my male pattern baldness will reverse so that I don't need to wear a hat or wig, and appointments with specialists to figure out next steps.

[Later today]

After a fun day with my sister & her kids, I got a call from my oncologist. A couple weeks ago I had a small lump that popped up on the side of my breast. While it didn't look very different from a mosquito bite, it didn't go away. I was watching it closely. This past Thursday after getting my back strengthening infusion, I decided to stop by to see my diagnosing doctor at the Breast Health Clinic. She was leaving for vacation (literally in 15 minutes) and after looking at my lump, decided the best option was to biopsy it immediately. A few minutes later, she ran off to catch her flight to a sunny destination and I walked off with stitches and a pressure dressing (and a little less flesh).

Today's doctor's call was to let me know that the pathology results were back and that "mosquito bite" bump that didn't go away was indeed cancer. 

I was also told that the CT I had done (on the same day that I felt the lump) showed continued improvement to my liver.

 

I'm thankful for the good news about my liver. I'm a little shaken by my cancer having spread to my skin. I'd like to have a bit of a break from cancer's unexpected news in my life. I would love to be helping others' families in crisis and not be the one who is in need.

All in all, I'm trying to adjust to this new reality. I'm not falling apart, but I don't know how much more I can handle right now.

Hoping for a good night's sleep for the whole family and some renewed energy & hope for tomorrow.

My sister's gift for finishing chemo... Shampoo/Conditioner! (a little hope for the sprouts on my head... wow have I ever missed the smell of shampoo & conditioner!) 

One Year

One year ago today as the sun was rising over the mountain tops, I woke up Xhevat and told him it was time to go to the hospital. 

With a lot of joy and a little fear of what would come, we told the admitting clerk that I was wanting to be admitted because I was going to have a baby. She chuckled a little as I didn't appear to be in much discomfort (a day prior the doctor was also chuckling and telling me that I should get ready for another couple weeks of pregnancy).

We went through the next twelve hours walking, picking blackberries, more walking, napping & being monitored. After a few hours of decent discomfort, we got to meet our son.

Little did we know how much we would or could love him or how much joy he would bring to our lives. When we held that little boy in our arms, we didn't know about his morning smiles, frequent pukes (which he has thankfully outgrown), wispy curls, constant motion, unquenchable curiosity, loveable nature, and outbursts of celebratory clapping & cheering.

I really didn't want to sleep that first night. I was absolutely amazed by the miracle of my precious boy and didn't want to miss a single yawn, smile, burp or fart. Even moreso I don't want to miss any of my son's special moments... and that feeling has only intensified. I head into this next year of Matias' life with a lot of joy and a little bit of fear as well.

We love you so much Matias & are so thankful that God has chosen us to be your parents and you to be our son. Be patient with us as we learn and grow with you. Thank you for bringing joy to each new day and being a constant reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness. You are our gift of God and we thank Him for you daily.

Meeting our miracle

Celebrating one year!

Recovering My Body

It's been an interesting week to say the least. I am adjusting to my new normal with no chemo. I'm certainly thankful for my doctor's knowledge and decisiveness.

My fingernails (and the infection) were getting worse. After church this past Sunday I went to a walk-in clinic because another finger showed signs of becoming increasingly infected. If I'm going to have an infection, I'd rather it just be in my fingers rather than throughout the rest of my body... so the doctor ordered more antibiotics and then some bloodwork. 

My bloodwork is showing that my body is having a tough time making neutrophils (a kind of cells that fights infections). While this is completely "normal" when on chemo, it's been a few weeks since I've had chemo and my neutrophil count should be on the rise. Instead it's falling. I'd really like to be able to recover physically so that my body can catch up to the rest of me and we can get on with this part of life.

I can hear all of the things that I as a nurse would counsel a patient about rest and recovery & listening to your body... but since I'm the patient and I've made a big part of the mental switch, I'm ready to get on with it.

With my neutrophils as low as they are, I'm thankful that I didn't get chemo this week and I'm thankful for my doctor who made that decision.

Can you please pray for these specific parts of my body?

- cancer cells: that they would stay the same number or decrease (especially in my liver) for a very, very long time

- stomach: that it would absorb my new medication (and antibiotics) with minimal side effects on me but have incredible effects on my cancer cells (and infection)

- bone marrow: that it would recover from chemo's damaging effects so that it can produce neutrophils (neutrophils are made in bone marrow)

- neutrophils: that they would increase in number and effectively fight off infections so that I can have a normal immune system

- fingers: healing of the infections under my finger nails so that I can back to preparing food, washing dishes & changing diapers without needing to wear gloves

- my mind and heart: that I can accept the pace of recovery of my body and be fully present & alive in this chapter of my life

This next week we're looking forward to some time with my parents and sister and her family. We'll be celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, family & life. It should be good!

Enjoying my robin's egg blue antibiotics.

Finishing Strong?

I thought I'd be happier about finishing chemo... and it's not that I'm unhappy... it's just that things happened so quickly that I didn't feel that I had time to process, celebrate, plan, etc. for this change. And while I'm taking things as they come, this has been yet another adjustment.

I'm wrapping my head around the idea that instead of it being day 2 post-chemo, I'm already at day 16. I was in such a shocked/surprised state of mind, I only said goodbye (or rather see you later) to one of my chemo nurses. I'll have to go back with some treats and say my real "until next time."

On the positive side of things, I hope to have short hair, eyelashes & eyebrows for Christmas. I needlessly brought out the shampoo in anticipatory celebration. I look forward to having an immune system that isn't constantly being beaten down. I look forward to getting my Fridays back with no pokes or chemo. I look forward to sleeping on Friday nights without the use of medication. I look forward to regaining my energy so that I can do more for my family.

When we discharge our patients from the ICU to a regular ward, parents often are concerned that their children will not be monitored as closely -- no monitor to see changes immediately, no one-on-one nursing, much less frequent bloodwork -- and it's scary for them. This is exactly how I am feeling. The bloodwork numbers, check-ups, and chemo have become such a part of my routine that not having them feels like I'm losing control.

And a big thought/worry/etc. that I have is wondering how long this will last. For me, the medical goal was not to get rid of all of my cancer. At some point, the cancer will start to grow and I'll need to go back onto chemo. So this is really yet another waiting period of months or years until I start this whole process again. And in the meantime, I live and wait.

I've always been taught to finish strong. It feels strange to be taken off of chemo because of something as simple as my finger nails. It doesn't feel like I have ended strong. 

Bear with me folks and please be praying for me as I adjust to yet another new normal and start another phase of life.

Unexpectedly Done

It's been two weeks since I've had chemo. Last week's chemo was delayed due to my nail infection. After a week of antibiotics my finger nails were improving but still not completely healed. My neutrophils were acceptable to get a full dose. However, they definitely were not as high as I'd thought they would be.

Xhevat and Matias drove me in for chemo this morning. The nurse took a look at my fingers and thought it would be wise to get my oncologist have a look at them as well. He looked at my fingers (yes, I gave him the finger again... twice... and to my nurse's delight, I got both a smile and a laugh out of my oncologist). Then he reviewed my bloodwork and chart.

His suggestion was to stop chemo and switch to an oral medication. Having finished six rounds of chemo, my body (both my finger nails and bloodwork) is showing signs that it is not recuperating as it had been previously.

The oral medication is a daily pill that comes with its own list of side effects. It is a specific drug that targets the kind of cancer I have. I've started taking this medication today and the plan is to be on this medication until my cancer starts growing again... and then I'll do chemo again.

So I'm done chemo... for now!

Xhevat and I were talking in the car as we were heading to the Cancer Agency this morning. I was saying that I felt at peace with how things were going and that I was coming to a place where if I didn't get chemo today (because of my nails) that I would be ok with that. I hadn't expected that I'd be done with chemo but I'm thankful that God has been preparing my heart and mind for this transition to another new normal. I'm not sure what I'll do on Fridays without chemo and my chemo nurses -- nor what my chemo nurses will do without me... :-).

It's been quite a day already... and it's only half way done! I'm still absorbing this change... so here's to chemo-free Fridays, the unexpected, and God's preparation of my heart!

I Gave My Doctor the Finger

The middle one. Yes, it's true. I gave my doctor the finger... twice! I did the same to a couple nurses. And I was smiling cheekily as I was doing it!

As you know, my finger nails have been a bit of an issue lately. Two nails have lifted so far (my middle fingers). Parts of another four nails are starting to become damaged. We'll see what happens with those four. Unfortunately, (at least) one of my fingernails has become infected.

My doctor suggested that I take a week off chemo and give my nails a chance to heal up a bit. So yesterday I had no chemo... no Benadryl jitters/coma... and no steroid buzz. Just antibiotics.... sleep... and healing fingernails.

If this would have happened earlier on in my treatment, my reactions would probably have been much different. But it's August and I've been doing this for a while now. I know the chemo is working. My liver enzymes continue to improve (they're still normal). A week off is not a big deal. We'll take things as they come.

Here's to showing off my owies and giving people the finger!

My two bandaids: it's too bad I still had bloodwork done before chemo was cancelled