I'm wrapping my head around the idea that instead of it being day 2 post-chemo, I'm already at day 16. I was in such a shocked/surprised state of mind, I only said goodbye (or rather see you later) to one of my chemo nurses. I'll have to go back with some treats and say my real "until next time."
On the positive side of things, I hope to have short hair, eyelashes & eyebrows for Christmas. I needlessly brought out the shampoo in anticipatory celebration. I look forward to having an immune system that isn't constantly being beaten down. I look forward to getting my Fridays back with no pokes or chemo. I look forward to sleeping on Friday nights without the use of medication. I look forward to regaining my energy so that I can do more for my family.
When we discharge our patients from the ICU to a regular ward, parents often are concerned that their children will not be monitored as closely -- no monitor to see changes immediately, no one-on-one nursing, much less frequent bloodwork -- and it's scary for them. This is exactly how I am feeling. The bloodwork numbers, check-ups, and chemo have become such a part of my routine that not having them feels like I'm losing control.
And a big thought/worry/etc. that I have is wondering how long this will last. For me, the medical goal was not to get rid of all of my cancer. At some point, the cancer will start to grow and I'll need to go back onto chemo. So this is really yet another waiting period of months or years until I start this whole process again. And in the meantime, I live and wait.
I've always been taught to finish strong. It feels strange to be taken off of chemo because of something as simple as my finger nails. It doesn't feel like I have ended strong.
Bear with me folks and please be praying for me as I adjust to yet another new normal and start another phase of life.
Hi Krista - Just thinking about your comment about being taken off chemo for "something as simple as my fingernails". Perhaps they were acting like the canary in the coal mine and being the early warning signal to use caution before proceeding further.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping for an extended and healthy period for you to continue to enjoy life as it is now. Love, Joy
Paul often uses the metaphor of a race to describe this life we are living, this faith we are choosing. As I read your last couple of sentences I was struck by the thought that there are many different types of races. There are some that are short, sprints, and involve doing nothing more than going as fast as you can in the time you have. Others are much longer and require pacing, a plan, a deliberate choice to speed up or slow down depending on where you are on the course. And yet others involve a variety of activities that must be completed before the race is over - a triathlon being a prime example. You aren't done this race. Chemo is just one aspect of it. It's been a quick transition to this new drug, yes, but that's the way of triathlons. They require quick changes between activities. There isn't a lot of time to process what has gone before because the only thing that can be done is to focus on what is ahead, to keep on racing on regardless of how things went before. So be encouraged. It's been a quick change but the race isn't over yet. You may not know the distance needed to be covered or what the next phase will be but you don't need to because God knows and is already planning the transition. So hold steady. He's got you. And HE has a plan for your Fridays already! It might be to keep others company while they get their chemo. It might be special time with your family. It might be quiet time for yourself. Whatever it is, it will be so good! :) Keep on choosing joy as you run this race and rest in Him. I think I speak for all of us - your family, your friends, your medical team - when I say we're proud of you and how you're conducting yourself...when you're strong, or weak, or angry, or scared, or frustrated, or disappointed, or overjoyed with progress, or despairing for your future, or rejoicing in the hope that is yours through Him. You're doing good Girl!
ReplyDelete