I've Missed You

I miss my church family. I haven't been at our home church for the last couple weeks as I was in Kelowna. When I was last there, I was getting out of the building as quickly as I could with tears of shame and embarrassment running down my cheeks.

Many of you have had really different experiences of church. For some of you, it's a Christmas and Easter thing. For others, you might never have entered the door just because. Some of you hold different beliefs and going to church would be unnecessary to you. And others of you may have been to church but have been hurt and carry deep wounds by the people of the church.

I'd like to share a little of my experience of church as an adult. The building is often referred to as the church whereas it really is the group of people that join together as they journey and grow in their relationship with God (and I'll admit that I sometimes use both definitions). I've been a part of my church since '97. I started attending this particular church because my roommate knew people and I had a vehicle so I was the driver. And I'm still going seventeen years later (yes, I'm that old).

Our church first met in a school gymnasium and I helped lead a youth drama team in the hallways of the school. A few years later we moved into an old, converted mushroom factory in the industrial area of Cloverdale... and that is where we still meet today. This is not your typical church.

Our church (the people) is not perfect. We are a group of people who make mistakes but are striving to be more like Jesus every day. Sometimes our mistakes are small and go unnoticed. Sometimes our mistakes are big and the ramifications of those mistakes have caused great division in our church. Going through those great moments of hurt has caused both division and unity in our church. And I believe that it has been up to the individual (whether they stayed at the church or left) if they chose to grow in their relationship with God or allowed human mistakes to separate them from God and the church. And if people found another place to grow in God, that is good. Personally, my greatest heart wounds have come from people who have been a part of the church and I know that I have caused deep hurts to those within the church. Again, we're not perfect.

Since getting diagnosed with cancer, my relationship with my church has changed. I was involved in my church before my diagnosis (my focus was being on a team that looks at serving the needs of others and sharing about Jesus both within our community and around the world). But instead of being the one leading and serving, my church was now doing this for me. We had meals brought to our home, rides to appointments, babysitting for Matias, special gifts, gift baskets, things dropped off at the door, and monetary gifts. Our church even took a special offering to cover our trip to Kosova last month (we had intended on paying for this ourselves last year when we'd first planned on taking Matias to Kosova but our church wanted to bless on us by helping us out this way... this has been especially humbling).

More importantly than any of this, our church has supported us through prayer & encouragement. I cannot tell you the number of times when I've been feeling low, lonely or was starting to spiral downward and I received an email, phone call or visit that just made my day. Other days I had people who would cry and mourn with me and allow me to be sad. And all through this journey we have had people supporting us and carrying us when we just didn't have the strength.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, going to Sunday's church service is the hardest time of the week for me. I feel most vulnerable there. When I'm on chemo (like now), there are a lot of germs that Xhevat, Matias and I can be exposed to. But that's not the vulnerability that's the most difficult. Between the worship songs (which when you really listen to the words often talk about difficulties, dying, and heaven), the message or sermon (which often just hits me to the core of what I want to be learning and being but am struggling to become), and the people (who just love us so much and hurt with us greatly), I feel both incredibly raw and gently soothed.

We usually try to sit at or close to the back of the church. It is a place that you can escape less noticed if needed. It's also a place that you're not noticed as much when you're crying (tissues are always kept in my purse). The second to last row is actually better than the last row. It's less likely that people can hug or touch you from behind when you're trying to stay away from unnecessary germs (because you don't have an immune system) or just need a place to be present but also at times to hide a little.

Now that you know my seating strategy for the church service, I want to let you know that the people that sit in those seats around me have amazed and overwhelmed me. They have come around our family with love, prayers and concern. We have made new friends by sitting at the back of the church. They've asked some tough questions and laughed with us. They've been with me when I've been strong and when I've fallen flat on my face (I can laugh about it now).

I cannot thank you enough Pacific Community Church. Thank you for not being perfect because I fit in much better that way. Thank you for accepting me, loving me, serving me and for being the hands and feet of Jesus in my life. I'm looking forward to walking this journey with you & growing in our relationships with God with you. See you on Sunday! I've missed you.

www.pacificcommunity.ca