Ups and Downs or Downs and Ups

It's been a down & up week. My chemo side effects have carried into my "week off" and just are a bother. And it made me start to wonder whether the chemo was working or not and I started to think of what would be the next steps if it wasn't working and what I'd be willing to do then.

And slowly I spiral downward.

BUT...

I had my bloodwork and doctor's appointment at the end of this week. And I received all good news. My tumour markers are down (that's a good thing) and almost all of my other bloodwork is normal. Other than the tumour markers, it would be difficult to guess that I'm as "sick" as I am from my bloodwork.

I've been hesitant to share my good news (no I'm not pregnant) in case things change. I've mentioned before about the loss of sensation to parts of the lower half of my body. Just after getting radiation and starting this cycle of chemo, my feet, the backs of my legs and my butt started itching. Sometimes itching can mean nerve healing (and it's really annoying because there's nothing you can do to relieve the itching

). I anxiously waited to see if my nerves were healing and I'm really happy to say that I can now feel most of my right foot, a decent part of my left foot, and up both of the backs of my legs including my butt. Now I normally wouldn't share about my butt except for the fact that I found it ironic to have my feeling return in my butt just in time to fall through the chair a couple weeks ago. My butt felt every bit of hitting the concrete (if only it happened when my butt was numb!).

I also had an appointment with a homecare nurse earlier in the week. I have home visits because I'm the palliative care program. It was difficult to discuss end of life preferences like if I want to have CPR performed or if I had a preference to die at home or in the hospital. These are not "new" questions or things that we as a family haven't thought of or discussed as a family. I've had discussions about end of life decisions with my patient's families but it just seems so surreal to be discussing these things about me... especially when I'm feeling so well.

While heaven is where I long to be, I'm struggling with the pain and suffering that will be left behind. And my heart aches for my family and friends. I know that God is more than enough for them but it is just so painful to be making decisions and plans for what will be perhaps the most painful experience in my family's life.

So that's my week! Lots of ups and downs. Daily naps. More time with my husband and boy. A few appointments. Making a video for my family reunion I wish I could be attending. Receiving good news from my oncologist. And dealing with end of life decisions.

That's enough for one week. I'm done.

What I Have Survived Since Feb 12, 2013

(in 188 Appointments)

IVs (successful) x 69

Bloodwork (successful) x 73

IVs or Bloodwork (unsuccessful) x 18

Biopsies x 13 (I think)

Chemo x 13 cycles including:

IV Chemo x 29 doses

Oral Chemo x 224 pills

Bone strengthening infusions x 18

Injections x 9

Brain radiation x 5

Other radiation x 2

Tattoos x 6

MRI x 2

CT x 11

Ultrasound x 3

Xray x 6

ECHO x 1

Surgery x 2

Minor surgery x 1

Days in hospital x 9

Parking Ticket x 1 (which was given incorrectly) & almost another one

A new way to ride in the cart... at least he has his seatbelt on!

A new way to eat goldfish crackers... look mom, no hands (he was sucking them up)!