Another Big Day

Today is yet another big day for me. I will complete my 10 days of whole brain radiation. This will complete my lifetime dose of whole brain radiation. No more. And its a good thing because my face has puffed up enough so that my eye chub & cheeks are starting to roll out of my eye whole slats on my mask.

All along I've said I don't prefer steroids except for my brain swelling (and appetite). It's a kind of catabolic steroid that eats muscles and energy and makes you feel jittery, anxious, and you lose you your emotional filter. If you're on it for long enough or a high enough dose, it even redistributes your fat giving you chubby chipmunk cheeks, a belly that looks like you're pregnant, and a nice little fat pad on the top of your back. My weight has varied 25lbs this year so far and although I might not look it (fat redistribution) currently I am one of the lowest weights in my lifetime and I'm not comfortable going any lower than I am... plus, my doctor told me I should eat anything and everything. :-) Christmas and all its food & goodies have been welcome to me!

So... Jittery, anxious, weak, fatigue, lack of sleep, lacking a filter (could be steroids, could be brain mets, could be sin).

I shaved my head tonight. It had already lost a bunch and I could comb my fingers through my hair and lose handfuls - my fourth time in less than two years. And now I wait and rest & recover. And continue to enjoy all the yummy food. Radiation side effects have started. Fatigue and the lack of will do to things is present.  And physically doing things requires personal pep talks sometimes. I don't see/feel any signs of my brain rotting as yet. But I can feel when my brain mets and floaters start playing with my body... My head starts to pound, the pressure in my head shoots up, my right ankle loses all control up to the knee, my foot drops (and I still don't have all my sensation/proprioception to my left thigh and down so it's a bit of a challenge). I may or may not also need to throw up. So I either sit down & wait it out or I grab an arm and hobble to the bathroom trying not to pull or twist my ankle that I can't feel. About five minutes later, it's all done and I continue on with life as usual. 

I just want a pause from changes... And hopefully that starts today. I'll start decreasing steroids in a bit and in a few weeks, I'll get right back into chemo (the same oral ones I was on before).

I'm being closely monitored, love my healthcare team, and am thankful for today. And I'm struggling.

Radiation: what I saw

Us on Christmas

Celebrating radiation completion