I Can't Do It

For most of my life, I've followed the principle of the little engine that could... "I think I can, I think I can." My parents have instilled in me the belief that if I set my mind to something, I could accomplish it. And when someone tells me I can't, I don't like that very much... and I do my best to prove them wrong. 

An example of this would be when a friend of my dad's was showing us his very cool GPS watch that he used while training for a race in Hong Kong. "Dad, do you think I could run a marathon?" His answer of "no" came a little to quickly for my liking. "So if I did run a marathon, would you get me a GPS watch?"  He answered just as quickly with a "yes" this time. Ugh... what was I thinking!??!?! Me... run a marathon? What a silly idea and stupid thing to suggest... how am I doing to get out of this one? "So dad... if I ran a half marathon, would you get me GPS watch?" He still answered "yes."

That conversation began a two year journey of "training" and running both a half marathon and a full marathon... not because I had a good cause for which to run or I wanted to get in better shape or even because I enjoyed running... I ran simply to prove my dad wrong. And my stubbornness, which in this case I called determination, got me through every step of the 13.1 and 26.2 miles. Even though I learned many good lessons through the training and running of those races, I still fondly remember it as probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done.

This week I've been sitting at home filling out even more disability paperwork... I've already filled out some for the government, some for the insurance company, some for my workplace... and I'm trying to prove that I can't do it... not now anyway. I have cancer... and it's palliative... and no I haven't considered a date when I'm going to return to work. It is so strange that while I'm doing all that I can to live as long as I possible, I'm also writing down as many reasons as I can think of to prove why I can't go back to work. 

When it comes down to it, I haven't lost hope or a positive attitude and I still have cancer... and I don't want to go back to work... not now anyway.