Some Darker Days

This past weekend has been tough for me. Physically, I'm doing fine (other than my new side effect of finger nails that feel tender like they've been slammed in a door).  My liver enzymes continue to improve and some are even going back into normal ranges. A CT scan next week will show what's going on inside.

Emotionally, I've been very tired. Sleep hasn't been restful lately for any of us lately and I'm sure that has contributed to my sadness. Things have just felt dark. I've held my boy a little closer and have asked for more hugs from my husband... but the darkness hasn't been letting up easily.

I'm not sure if it's because some people I know who have breast cancer are moving forward with treatment -- moving on to surgery, radiation, etc. It feels strange to be jealous of someone else getting surgery & radiation. And maybe it's because I've had 14 treatments of chemotherapy and I have another 10 to go. Well, I hope I have another ten anyway because that means the chemo is working and I'll be able to get rid of as much cancer as possible.

In some ways it feels like I've just barely started treatment and in other ways it feels like I've been at this forever.  The only thing that I can compare it to is like being a new mom... you feed baby, change baby's diaper, try and get baby to sleep and then get everything else done before the three hours are up and the whole cycle starts again.  I feel like I'm doing the same thing week after week and while I'm getting somewhere (hopefully), I'm stuck in this cycle.

It feels dark & I'm not wanting to just skim over these hard emotions or dark places. I'm wanting to face them and work through them and come through it on the other side so that I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. Though right now may not be the best time or place to do that, I'm wanting to get away and work through some of what's going on inside of me.

There have been some lighter moments this weekend as well... a visit from friends with lots of joy, a message on my answering machine, an unexpected email, arms wrapped around me while praying, planting flowers, and a steak dinner.  I also have things that I'm really looking forward to... getting away for the weekend to visit my family, my nieces' dance recital and a birthday party for my sister's entire family (minus my sister). It's a little bit of normalcy.

Can you please pray for me... for continued healing of my body (specifically my liver & spine) and that the chemo would continue to be working, for my husband and son as they carry heavy burdens, to find time to go to the dark places, for some sunshine in the darker days, and to enjoy every moment of light.