Through this process there are many things that I've had to give up both now and in the future. These are just some of the things I'm missing or grieving:
- the smell of shampoo/hair product (I admit that I occasionally use shampoo even though I don't need it just for the smell of my shampoo... and the other day the lady taking my blood blushed when I complimented her on the smell of her hair product)
- choosing when I would stop breastfeeding (the choice was made for me with my diagnosis; it was very sudden and even though Matias transitioned easily, it was very hard to give up)
- being able to plan in advance (I know the days on which chemo and other appointments are planned weeks in advance but I have no clue how I'll be feeling that day or if the plan will change... which makes planning things in between appointments very difficult)
- maternity leave (I'm currently on mat. leave... a time for a mom and her baby to enjoy each other and move into their new roles. Getting used to being a first time mom is a big enough change... some days I'd really just like to enjoy being a wife and mom without thinking about cancer)
- the constant awareness of needing to be careful of getting sick (although a hug or a handshake from a person who is ill probably won't set me back too far right now, it can certainly takes it's toll on me)
- my pre-baby body (it's not as easy to get back to where I was pre-baby and pre-chemo... I'm not sure if I'm going to want or need a few extra poundo down the road... and if I don't want them, they're going to be hard to get rid of)
- not having the need to be continually poked (oh the good old days when I had a hard time remembering when I had my last bloodwork/IV/test)
- sleep (between a baby, crazy steroids that keep me up, chemo that is just tiring, and thoughts that make getting back to sleep difficult, I miss feeling rested)
- my curly hair (without being vain, I've always really liked my curls... more than once this week I've seen my reflection in the mirror and the reality of my hairless head has brought me to tears)
- having another baby (we'd always wanted more than one child but it doesn't seem that it will be possible... I'm so thankful for the gift of the precious son we have)
And on a positive note:
What I Have Survived Since Feb 12
(in 31 Appointments)
IVs (successful) x 18
IVs (unsuccessful) x 4
Bloodwork x 18
Biopsies x 12 (I think)
Chemo x 12
Bone strengthening infusion x 3
MRI x 1
CT x 2
Ultrasound x1
Xray x2
Parking Ticket x almost one
It does seem unfair that you are being forced into certain decisions (ie when to stop breastfeeding). I am sorry that cancer is making some choices for you. I hope and pray that this time of life becomes a memory one day!
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed that you can look at missing and grieving things, but always have that positive optimism whenever you write/blog, you are really a special person, and it is only natural that you miss or grieve things that was so much a part of you.
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