Role Reversal

For many years now, I've been the caregiver. I've taken care of family and friends when they were hurting or in need. Some people call it compassion, empathy, or a mother's heart. No matter what it is called, it is a gift and I cherish it.

Nursing -- and specifically pediatric nursing -- has been a natural fit for this caregiving nature. I love to come alongside families in their moments of crisis and walk with them. Sometimes I have been able to do this for a few minutes or hours and other times I have journeyed with families for weeks and months and years. Sometimes I was helping their child to breathe and giving medications necessary for life. Other times I was simply a listening ear or comforting arms.

When I worked overseas my practical nursing skills were used very indirectly... but many of my caregiving skills were used throughout every day.  Most people I saw had been through some kind of crisis of their own -- medical trauma, war, poverty, loneliness, despair, childlessness, joblessness, broken relationships, etc. I heard heart aches, celebrated victories, and shared in the every day experiences of their lives. It helped me to value praying and interceding for people in need. Whether or not there was something I could do to help the situation, I could pray that God would not only meet the physical needs but the emotional and spiritual ones as well.

Now I'm the person in need. I've lost control -- something that I struggle with greatly -- and I cannot get through the day without others. Physically I'm fine (other than the fact that there's lots of cancer in me and I tire more easily). Emotionally, I can be all over the place. One totally harmless comment can put me into tears because it means something entirely different to me. Spiritually, I'm being upheld by many people... some I know well, some know just my face and story, and some I will never meet. I'm over the initial shock. I'm wanting to move on and grow in God so that He can continue to use me.

Now I'm also the patient. I'm learning how to ask questions and advocate for myself. I'm learning how to listen to my body and heart and their needs. I'm learning to accept when large or small mistakes and near misses happen and encourage a process of change so that they don't happen to others. I'm learning to be unapologetic and kind when asking for things. I'm learning that most people don't understand what it means to be 34 and have a palliative condition. I'm learning to live now -- with all of it's highs and lows -- and with no regrets. I'm learning and relearning what's important to me -- the gifts God has given me -- and use them for His glory.

I'd much rather be the caregiver than the one being cared for but I'm learning so much in this new role and being blessed my many caregivers in my life. For this I am incredibly thankful.

This picture is from a number of years ago. I hope it brings a smile to your heart.