Stage IV

It's hit me hard this week that I've got stage IV cancer. I've had a wonderful week and I feel good about where my heart is... I also am reminded that this isn't my first time getting chemo and my body hasn't had much recovery/rest time between treatments.

On Monday I found out my neutrophils were too low to receive chemo. I asked my doctor about a specific medication that could help increase the number of neutrophils I have and was told that it wasn't covered for people with stage IV cancer (and it's quite expensive).

It's hard to hear that because I have a IV in my diagnosis that I don't have certain treatment options... but then again, I've been told no before for various things (physio, massage, mastectomies) and the no has turned into a yes.

I can feel the inner youngest child gleefully coming out in me when the yes happens. :-)

But I also know that this answer might stay a no because on paper my situation doesn't look very good. And as much as I don't like that answer, I've been on the other side as the healthcare professional and understand that there needs to be guidelines for palliative treatment.

The rest of my week was filled with quality time with a dear friend. We managed to get out of the house for church, multiple grocery shopping trips & ice cream at the beach. We also had lots of time to talk about life and death and what's going on in our hearts.

In saying goodbye or see you later or whatever you want to call it, I was reminded that this could truly be a goodbye for us. I know that it's easy to say that any of us could die at any time and we should live life that way. That's a great thought... but realistically we rarely do that. In many ways knowing that I have stage IV cancer makes things easier because I have the opportunity to talk about many difficult subjects. I know my cancer can kill me and I am choosing to live my life with the hope I have in Jesus.

So I'm caught between knowing that I have a lot of cancer in me but yet also knowing that I'm fully alive and living right now.

I really would like to get chemo on Tuesday. Based on last week's bloodwork, it appears the chemo is working... and so even if it means fatigue & nausea/vomiting, I want it. To get chemo means my neutrophils need to be high enough. And I believe that even without the medicine, God has the power to make those numbers be what they need to be. Please join me in praying this way.

The potentially scarier thing to me is that if I can only get chemo every four weeks I want my chemo to still be effective against the growth of my cancer. Again I have no control over this and pray that my cancer gets kicked back a bunch so that my liver can live healthier.

So again this week I'm continuing to entrust my life, my neutrophils and my liver into His care.

A Beautiful Necklace I Was Given Today