I saw my general surgeon this morning. She reviewed my pathology results from my mastectomies. We knew the tumour on my left breast was large and that it had spread to my lymph nodes... no surprises there. What was surprising was that my cancer had also spread to my right breast... multiple microscopic cancerous metasteses. This wasn't what we'd expected to hear but that was just the start of the bad news.
Then off to my oncologist. He hadn't seen the pathology results but reviewed them and delivered potentially worse news. My tumour markers up significantly. Elevated tumour markers are substances in my blood which could suggest my cancer is becoming more active again. Then again, it could simply be a false high reading because of my recent surgery or many other reasons.
My oncologist is concerned.
So he's ordered a bunch of tests and appointments again... bloodwork (done), X-ray (done), Dermatology appointment (my nail is infected yet again... Friday), CT (Friday), ECHO (Saturday)... all added to this week's schedule (I thought I only had one appointment -- with my plastic surgeon -- left for the week).
Depending upon the results of these tests, it could mean:
- no change to anything
- changing my oral medications
- radiation
- surgery
- cancellation of surgery (planned for Oct. 24)
- chemotherapy
I'm overwhelmed and shaken up right now. We've known that bad news would come eventually but I certainly didn't expect it this quickly. I'm torn... wanting to be supportive of my mom as she has her surgery tomorrow but my thoughts keep on coming back to me.
I'm thankful to have had my sister with me today through these appointments. I'm thankful for the spunky boy who charms hospital staff. I'm thankful for my husband who so desperately wants to fix it all. I'm thankful for my nieces and nephews who prepared lunch for me. I'm thankful for supportive parents who hurt with me from far away.
I'm thankful for each of you who have prayed for me. And I want to ask you to keep on praying for me and us. We really need it still and it would be great to have some good news come out of this week's tests.
Through this entire situation I firmly believe that although my circumstances have changed drastically, my God has not. And so no matter how much my circumstances shake me, I am choosing to dig deeper in my trust in Him.
My Chemo Bin
(socks, wigs, hats, etc... do I pack it away or will I need to be using it again soon?)
Oh my dear girl...you, and your family, are holding a prominent place in my prayers these days. I know well the feelings you are struggling with as I recall feeling similar feelings when my mom was sick. I have no wise words, no great gem of encouragement or inspiration, nothing to make it better or feel more hopeful. All I can say is I have been there, in a different yet similar way, I get it. I get the mix of hope and potential despair. I get the euphoria that comes from good news and the bitter disappointment that is felt when there is bad news. I understand the desire to hope for the best while trying still to remain grounded in reality to avoid as much of the deep pain of disappointment as possible. There is no harder place to be than the one that leaves you hanging between two places....Knowing all that, knowing how intense and deep all those feelings/emotions can be, especially for you, my prayer for you tonight is simply this: JESUS. He knows better than I what your heart needs, what your body needs, what your family needs. JESUS. He brings a peace that goes beyond our understanding. He comforts like no other. JESUS. The man who suffered in the ultimate way possible and knows our pain. JESUS. JESUS. JESUS.
ReplyDeleteKrista - My heart aches for you at this time. So often I have said to my patients "I wish that I had the magic wand that could make this change but I do not."
ReplyDeleteAs nurses we know the amazing things that our fellow humans are capable of enduring when they believe they cannot. I know that you can too. As always I am available to you if ther is ever anything that I can do.
Praying for a blessing for you today, amid all the bad stuff. Praying that you feel His everlasting arms beneath you. Praying that His perfect will be done.
ReplyDeleteKrista...I recently just heard of your illness. I've read your blog and admire your faith, strength and humour. When I saw the pictures...I thought, she looks just like in high school. You're smile is the same, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI remember when you taught, Kaitlyn to sing when she was 5 years old. The songs were "A dream is a wish that your heart makes" and let's go fly a kite." You told her that if she was nervous when she was on the stage that she should focus on the back wall in the Leader hall and sing with all your heart. I'm telling you, Krista, focus on all the good things and sing with all your heart. God will hear you. The rest of us will continue to say prayers that things turn around for you. Hugs to you. Hello from Kaitlyn. In my prayers.
Krista, we will continue to pray for you and your family. God has this battle! Xoxox
ReplyDelete