My nausea & vomiting hit its peak. Our son is teething. There hasn't been a lot of sound sleep in this household.
Aside from that I'm trying to accept and understand that my cancer is back & growing. Perhaps being naively optimistic, I wanted to be the miracle story of my cancer's inexplicable reaction to chemo. I'd be able to stay on oral meds for a number of years and I'd have a chance to catch my breath from the whirlwind of becoming a mother and receiving a palliative cancer diagnosis.
Ten and a half weeks was what I got. Two weeks were delays in chemo. Four weeks were "recovery." One was preparing for sugery. And three were recovering from surgery.
It doesn't feel fair.
I can see the beams of light shining through the dark clouds. My dad taking care of Matias last week even though mom had just had surgery. Bags of clothes and bikes dropped off for Matias. A turkey dinner that just needed to be put into the oven. Home grown squash & tomatoes. A bag of goodies for my nausea, liver & incisions. A husband who tirelessly serves his family. These are some of the bright, shining beams that are piercing my darkness.
I occasionally feel myself withdrawing. Noise, even laughter & giggles, can reduce me to tears. But I wear a smile cause it helps me cope.
I'm not thankful for cancer. I am, however, thankful for the many lessons learned, reminders of blessings, people I've met, stories I've heard, etc.
A while back I watched Matias sit in front of the window as little bits of dust danced in the rays of the morning sunlight. He would open and close his hands trying to grasp the beams of light. In my darker moments, this is how I feel. I can see the light; I just can't quite hold onto it. I want it in my tightly clenched hands. Instead, I just have to sit in the sunlight and receive the warmth of the rays of light.
It's been a tough weekend but I'm coming out of the darkness.
Still praying and will keep praying!
ReplyDeleteGerry