Tired

Tonight I'm tired.

Tired of not feeling 100%.

Tired of needing to continually question if I'm helping or hurting my health. Tired of avoiding people & germs. Tired of feeling pulled in different directions. Tired of not feeling able to fulfill dreams and desires.

Tired of IVs and pokes and scans and infusions. Of medications for treatment and other meds to treat the side effects of treatment. Of complications. Of expected and unexpected outcomes. Of checking interactions between treatments. Of normal illnesses which can  be dangerous.

Tired of achy muscles and sore finger nails. Tired of needing to stretch nerves and strengthen muscles I can't feel. Tired of feeling a little winded after going up a flight of stairs. Of not sleeping well. Of needing to shave my head. Of always washing my hands.

Tired of planning life around appointments. Of coordinating services between doctors & health authorities. Tired of cancelling on friends. Tired of not making plans because of potential treatment or not knowing how I will feel.

Tired of not being able to give my husband or my boy all that I want to give. Tired of a messy brain & household. Tired of wanting to do things and not being able to do them. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. Of the reality of facing life & death each day. Tired of things being so complicated.

I don't know if it's just January, the rainy weather, a difficult season or just working through my new reality... there are many reasons why I could be tired tonight... and I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day...

... but for tonight... I went out and got a cheesecake (and some blackberries to make it healthier) and I ate it.