A Scary Week

It's been a scary week to say the least. I've gone from a mom with a headache to an inpatient with brain metastases and a walker.

My mind is clear and functioning; my words and movements just jumble out like I'm in a drunken stupor. Occasionally I'll get frustrated when washing my hands or putting on my shoes and one occasion I even sent the food cover flying across the room (don't worry, the bathroom door stopped it).

It's been very sobering especially when I feel so clear in my mind to have so much searching and heartache in the eyes of those who are trying to listen to me and help me.

It's been fairly morbid as well. My symptoms could stay the same, decrease or improve. Only time (in conjuction with steroids and radiation) will tell which direction things will go. And changes could take a few weeks to settle into.

We've had and chosen to talk about advanced directives -- CPR, intubation, etc. -- if things got to that point and what our desires would be. I've put in requests for my funeral (I think they're funny "Krista-isms"that would celebrate my life and kwirks... along with the request not to serve egg salad or tuna sandwiches... that's just a preference). For me (and by the number of times my sister rolled her eyes at me or we were laughing in Kleenex), it's been a strangely comforting topic of discussion.

We've laughed, we've cried. We've remembered, we've dreamed. It's a strange vortex of beauty and suffering fused into these moments.

Let me just say that I'm not thinking right now that I'm dying. Things have definitely gotten more serious and complicated but I'm very much still here. I'm still saying "see you laters" and not "goodbyes." I'm doing (I think) as best as I can be despite the circumstances.

I've felt so very humbled by my friends and family and strangers who have chosen to pray for me. And even more amazed by those who don't pray and took time to think of me. At many points through the day when discouragement or fear would creep in I actually knew someone was praying for me and lifting me up before God. And I felt shielded and swaddled & infused with hope and peace. And then to hear back from you with how God was moving in your hearts -- it was a good day!

This next week will bring two more doses of whole brain radiation (I'll lose my hair in another week or so), an MRI to get another picture of my brain and hopefully the physical strength that they know that I can safely go home safely. I got out for a few hours on a day pass yesterday and it was great -- family time, my boy & dog playing, a home cooked meal, fresh air, the mountains, just sitting or lying on my couch or bed, my own toilet... I could go on and on. I loved escaping! Saturday was a good day.

And so we take another step forward on this journey together. I know this hasn't been an easy journey for you either so thanks for being here with me.

My husband whose name means faithful has certainly been that to me and more on this journey. I have the most amazing husband!