I Don't Feel Anything

There are certain portions of my legs and feet (about half of each) that I cannot feel -- they're completely numb. I also have difficulty sensing where my legs and feet are in relation to the rest of my body.

This is just one of the effects of where my brain metastases are located.

It's weird because I don't know if I've been standing or sitting in a position too long. I can't feel if my shoes are on correctly or if my socks have a seam that's bothering me. Stepping on uneven surfaces & toys are even worse things as I can't feel the toy/surface and correcting myself is even harder.

And then there's my strength. Sometimes I just can't get my foot high enough to step into a higher vehicle or go up higher stairs... so I either have to kneel and crawl to my seat or I have to lift my leg with my hand to get my foot up and then propel myself foreward hoping that my trailing leg will follow appropriately (that would be for getting into the vehicle... stairs are much less dramatic).

Now don't get me wrong... I'm not an invalid. Just yesterday we were walking in this beautiful park in Prishtina and I think in total we did about 3km... 1 uphill and 2 downhill. And me & my stroller (used as a walker for my stability) had a great time! I haven't walked that far in a couple of months and it felt great!

Years ago I vividly remember reading a book about pain as the the gift no one wants. It shared the stories of a Dr. Paul Brand who worked with leprosy patients in India. Dr. Brand's work revealed that painlessness is the root cause of the damage leprosy patients incur. Here's your fun fact of the day... leprosy is not a disease of the skin; it's actually a disease of the nervous system. A bacteria attacks the nervous system & destroys one's ability to feel. And because you don't feel, you can be injured and not know it (picking up a hot pan off the stove with nothing but your bare your hands, the rock in your shoe that you can't feel, more in a third world situation... rats or mice eating fingers, toes, ears, nose, etc while you're asleep). Interestingly enough, a simple course of antibiotics is the cure to stop the progression of leprosy.

"Pain is not something that most of us would count as a blessing. However, Dr. Paul Brand’s work with leprosy patients in India and the United States convinced him that pain truly is one of God’s great gifts to us. In this account of his fifty-year career as a healer, Dr. Brand probes the mystery of pain and reveals its importance. As an indicator that lets us know something is wrong, pain has a value that becomes clearest in its absence. Indeed, pain is a gift that none of us want and yet none of us can do without."

(Zondervan, 1994 and 1997)

http://www.philipyancey.com/the-gift-of-pain

I'm reminded these days how very brutally painful life can be. Some of this pain is a very good thing -- we stop instantaneously and correct our ways (use the dry towel to take the hot pan out of the oven). Sometimes it's just a constant reminder of what's going on -- it hurts but it's manageable and it can be worked through (my eight week & ongoing headache, muscle cramps, bone pain, liver fullness).

And then there's the most dangerous kind, the lack of pain & sensation -- by your choice or circumstances, you cannot feel pain (physically: nerve damage from diabetes or brain metastases causing lack of sensation; emotionally: your heart has been hurt too deeply or often emotionally; spiritually: you feel that God has betrayed you & is dead to you).

Consider what's causing you the most pain in your life right now. Maybe this pain can actually be a good thing. We all need pain in our lives to change our path and stop us from doing things that could hurt us even more.

Or perhaps you're like me or the leper and you need to consider what should be causing you the most pain. Facing the pain of painlessness is daunting. However if you continue to walk down this path without change, it will with certainty lead to more destruction.

"As an indicator that lets us know something is wrong, pain has a value that becomes clearest in its absence."

http://www.zondervan.com/the-gift-of-pain.html

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310221447/ref=redir_mdp_mobile 

Playing in the Park

My first Macchiato here... Starbucks, you can't even begin to compare!