I put my boy to bed last night.
That just may be another chore for moms & dads every night but last night I cherished every moment. You see, for a few weeks now I haven't changed a diaper or chosen out clothes for my boy or cuddled him to sleep or taken him out for a walk. And this might sound like a glorious vacation to you... but it's been very difficult to not to have the strength or energy or patience to be a mom to my one and only son.
And so last night I wanted some extra special selfish moments with my precious little boy for Mother's Day.
While my husband changed his diaper and carried him up the stairs, I was the one brushing his teeth and putting him into his big boy pyjamas. I washed his face & put his lotion on. I gave him his soother and blanket. And the two of us crawled into his bed.
Together we read some books -- one was about everything from creation to Heaven (he kept on turning to a different page when I read about Heaven). And we talked about letters and numbers and colours. I tried to get him to say "I love you" but all that came out were the letters "i" and "u." We laughed and giggled and he'd share his soother with me. He's not a cuddly kind of kid but in his squirrellyness, he'd roll his little body into mine and would just stay for long enough that it made my heart smile. He then told me a great big story in his gibberish. He laughed, I cried. It was such a string of tender moments.
He touched my face & my freckles and played with the skin on my neck. And every once in a while his big brown eyes would just gaze into my eyes and stare at me intently. It's as if his soul was telling me something words couldn't describe. There was such tenderness, love, peace, and a quiet spirit in his eyes. He didn't want to snuggle but some part of his body had to be touching mine... whether it was his hand on my cheek or his foot braced on my neck or his body draped over my calves.
He couldn't quite let go to fall asleep with me beside him; he was just too enamoured. And so I left my little boy's room and he cried that his mama left. A couple minutes later, he was off to dreamland.
This could have very well been my last mother's day... but let me tell you that these moments were so incredibly special. I have a son who is so loved and precious and has made me feel significant & loved. I couldn't ask for more. What a preciously difficult day this Mother's Day it has been!
I put my boy to bed last night.
My little boy
Too precious for words
Your words brought me to tears.I pictured every word written like a movie in my head, full of laughter and precious moments truly cherished. I can not imagine the overwhelming emotions this mothers day has brought you. But I do know that you and cancer has made me a better mother. Even though your time with your remarkable little boy may be shorter than you'd like I know they have been filled with more love, gratitude, quality and cherished than most people have in a lifetime.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. This story warms my heart, and at the same time brings back some peaceful loving memories of when my own kids will actually let me hug them. Very precious moments indeed when facing certain struggles in life.
ReplyDeleteAnd...I'm weeping.
ReplyDeleteThere is one thing that praying for you daily has changed in me and that is my perspective on the mundane. Yesterday, though, as I thought about what this day may mean for you and your family, I must say I was even more so aware of the preciousness of those moments. As I rocked him while nursing him before putting him into his crib & singing to him, I kissed his head and prayed for you. And I cried. It is impossible for me to know the mix of sorrow and joy you must feel as you share moments like you've described with Mathias. But I can imagine. And it is agony in my soul.
At times I find myself wishing God hadn't given me the heart that he has, that I wouldn't feel the pain and joy of others quite so deeply, like it were my own. But it is also a gift as it has enabled me to pray for you in a way that I don't know I would have if not for that. Of course some of that comes from having walked this road from the perspective of family with my mom but much of how I know to pray for you has come from the words you have written and the feeling it has evoked in me as I have tried to imagine myself in your shoes.
I prayed for special moments for you yesterday. I am so thankful that you got them. I will continue to pray for a deep peace for Mathias, for a knowledge in his soul of how much he is loved by you and of how much God loves him, and that somehow despite his age, you two will be able to connect and commune in a way that will be remembered deep in his heart for all of his days no matter what the future holds.
May God continue to grant you special moments...many many more.
We're praying there will be many more Mother's Days for you and your little boy.
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