Fight vs. Surrender

After writing my blog on fighting cancer and having some great conversations about fighting, I read through my previous entries and noticed that I'd used the word fight a lot.  I'm learning that this journey is a process and while I feel one way about the situation at one time, I may feel entirely differently about the same situation at other times.

A year ago, my excuse was pregnancy brain.  Seven months ago, it was baby brain. And now it's chemo brain.  I reserve the right to change my thoughts and opinions on things and I'd like to welcome you along on this crazy journey [no need to insert jokes here about changing one's mind is a woman's prerogative].

This all leads me to try to understand why "fight" has so many negative thoughts for me.  Fighting makes me think of disagreement, aggression, dissension, bullying, being an underdog, lose-lose situations.  On a very different level fighting makes me think of my friends and family who have fought for their lives through war and genocide. "Fighting for something good" certainly can have different implications. It can imply that you're doing something for the positive... but even so, it's me trying to accomplish something that in my own strength is impossible.

Then I think of "surrender" which I think to most would have very negative implications... but has very positive ones for me.  To me, "surrender" implies letting go and giving up control. It's not a defencive or hopeless position but rather it is acknowledging that so much is out of my control and I don't need to be anxious or fearful about this.  No matter how much I try, I can't be in control of my situation. "Surrender" is not giving up my hope or joy or desires or giving in to cancer; I surrender my future to God and His good and perfect plan for me. With my hands held open and my palms downward, I give my hopes and dreams, joys and sorrow, past, present and future to my Creator and Sustainer... my Great Physician, my Provider, my Saviour, my God Who Sees Me, my Comforter, my Giver of Life, my Giver of Breath. I surrender myself to His all knowing, perfect plan for me.  My cancer has not surprised him and he has a purpose for it both in my life and in the lives of others.

Surrendering my past, present and future to God gives me peace, comfort, joy, and hope.  I no longer have to be in control of making the plans... or even ensuring that the plans happen.  I only need to follow where He is leading me and trust that things will go well in His perfect plans for my life.  For me that means that I still take chemo and the infusions for my spine; I get physio to strengthen my muscles; I eat vegetables to nourish my body and make my sister happy; I will get radiation and surgery if they become options; I will join the thousands of people in prayer for the complete healing of my body knowing that God is able heal me of my cancer should He so choose; I will continue to nourish my heart with God's Word; and I will continue to live my life in the hope and strength He has given me for that day. As my physical situations changes, there may be more or less medical options available. When those days come, I will continue to rely on my Giver of Life.

Surrendering to God is giving up control.  I don't need to strive or accomplish. The control that I so badly desire is placed in the hands of the One who knows what is best for me. And I can rest in the knowledge that his plans are perfect. I choose to surrender.