Death and Life

This has been a tough Easter for me… perhaps my toughest one.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t been sleeping the greatest… maybe there are just too many emotional things going on right now… maybe it’s just because my dose of steroids (that I got a day earlier this week) has worn off by today.  Or maybe it’s because the highs and lows of Good Friday and Easter have become more real for me this year than ever before. 

This year I’m facing death and life in a new way.

Good Friday and Easter are all about God’s perfect plan for Jesus… and us.  Good Friday is about Jesus coming to earth to die as a perfect sacrifice for our sins – once for all.  And Easter is about Jesus conquering death and coming back to life that everyone who asks can live forever with Him.

Death and life.

I have no fear of death.  I know that God is perfect and He cannot have any imperfection in His presence.  I know that Jesus was the perfect sacrifice that paid the price for my imperfection. And I know that through Jesus’ death and resurrection, I can have complete confidence that I will be able to spend forever with Him.  I’m ok with death.

But suffering and dying is not something that I like to think of… and my cancer has certainly made me face this.  I’ve spent a lot of today in tears – feeling weak, tired, and fearful.  I’ve had the blessing of sharing my heart and my fears with a dear friend in the nursery at church.  I’ve had people surround my family at church and pray for us.  I’ve joined in the simple yet grateful feast of remembering Jesus’ body and blood. And I’ve been reminded of the truth of Easter and where my hope is.

Living is also difficult some days.  The uncertainties of today and tomorrow are sometimes overshadowing.  It feels like I’m living in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday.  I know of the promises but struggle to live in them.  And that is when I need to remind myself that my hope is in Jesus… in His death and life.  Easter has come!  I can face all of the uncertainties of today and tomorrow and the next day because death has not won. I can live in the hope of my Saviour who is alive today.

Today, my head and my heart are needing to talk… so that what I know to be true in my head can meet the emotions of my  heart and in agreement they can say:

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord O my soul"

"In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love"

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives."

Happy Easter. He is risen!

He is risen indeed!
 

Blame It On God

This morning I was to go to the Cancer Agency for my bloodwork and possibly chemo. My neutrophil numbers have just barely been high enough for the last three weeks to get the full dose of chemo. As there have only been six days since my last chemo (instead of the usual seven) I went in expecting that my neutrophil count would not be high enough. I had asked you to pray for peace in not getting chemo or my neutrophil counts to be high enough.  I went to the Cancer Agency today and my heart was completely at peace with not getting chemo for this week. I had also said though that if my counts were high enough, it would be due to God and the many people that are praying for me.

Much to my delight, I was wrong... my neutrophil count was the minimum amount to get the full dose and I had my chemo this morning! And my beautiful chemo is working inside me to kill more cancer cells in my body as I write this!

Today I thank God for:
- hearing our prayers and choosing to answer our requests both by giving me peace and for allowing me to have chemo
- a fantastic day yesterday celebrating my husband and his new citizenship!
- you -- the hundreds and thousands of people around who are standing beside me and bringing my needs before God... the burden is lighter because of you.

I'd also like to ask you to pray for my father-in-law in Kosova.  He has been a diabetic for a number of years and has had some rough weeks lately with his health. Please join us in praying for him.

Thank you for caring for me and joining me in trusting God with my future.  As for getting my chemo today... I blame it on God. To Him be the glory!

We were thrilled; Matias could care less but was waving his flag like crazy!

Me & My New Locks

Congratulations Xhevat!

 

Xhevat's parents (the last time we saw them a couple years ago)

A Few Requests

Today I have no fun stories... just a few requests. I know and have experienced the power of prayer throughout my life but especially these last few weeks. Prayer has been so important to me as it is simply me talking with my God who hears and cares and answers. While I acknowledge the bigness of who He is (and the smallness of who I am), I can bring even of the smallest of requests to Him knowing that He hears me. And how He chooses to answer them is up to Him. He can see the bigger picture that I can't and His plans for me are good.

So here are some specific things that I'd like to ask you to pray for me:
- chemo this week: as it is a stat holiday this Friday, my chemo has been moved to Thursday. In order to get my chemo, my neutrophil count -- a part of my blood that fights infections -- has to be high enough. Because I'll only be having six days between chemo doses this time, there's a chance that my body will not have recovered enough to have made enough neutrophils. Please pray for either enough neutrophils to get chemo or peace in not getting chemo this week.
- CT scan: next week I'll have a CT scan which will show us how chemo-prayer-apy & my cancer have been getting along. Please pray for a decrease in the amount of cancer in my liver and spine (and elsewhere too... but let's start with those places).
- my husband: he's becoming a Canadian citizen this week and there is much reason to celebrate! He is an amazing man and I'm blessed to be able to be beside him these days. Please remember to pray for him as well.

Fight vs. Surrender

After writing my blog on fighting cancer and having some great conversations about fighting, I read through my previous entries and noticed that I'd used the word fight a lot.  I'm learning that this journey is a process and while I feel one way about the situation at one time, I may feel entirely differently about the same situation at other times.

A year ago, my excuse was pregnancy brain.  Seven months ago, it was baby brain. And now it's chemo brain.  I reserve the right to change my thoughts and opinions on things and I'd like to welcome you along on this crazy journey [no need to insert jokes here about changing one's mind is a woman's prerogative].

This all leads me to try to understand why "fight" has so many negative thoughts for me.  Fighting makes me think of disagreement, aggression, dissension, bullying, being an underdog, lose-lose situations.  On a very different level fighting makes me think of my friends and family who have fought for their lives through war and genocide. "Fighting for something good" certainly can have different implications. It can imply that you're doing something for the positive... but even so, it's me trying to accomplish something that in my own strength is impossible.

Then I think of "surrender" which I think to most would have very negative implications... but has very positive ones for me.  To me, "surrender" implies letting go and giving up control. It's not a defencive or hopeless position but rather it is acknowledging that so much is out of my control and I don't need to be anxious or fearful about this.  No matter how much I try, I can't be in control of my situation. "Surrender" is not giving up my hope or joy or desires or giving in to cancer; I surrender my future to God and His good and perfect plan for me. With my hands held open and my palms downward, I give my hopes and dreams, joys and sorrow, past, present and future to my Creator and Sustainer... my Great Physician, my Provider, my Saviour, my God Who Sees Me, my Comforter, my Giver of Life, my Giver of Breath. I surrender myself to His all knowing, perfect plan for me.  My cancer has not surprised him and he has a purpose for it both in my life and in the lives of others.

Surrendering my past, present and future to God gives me peace, comfort, joy, and hope.  I no longer have to be in control of making the plans... or even ensuring that the plans happen.  I only need to follow where He is leading me and trust that things will go well in His perfect plans for my life.  For me that means that I still take chemo and the infusions for my spine; I get physio to strengthen my muscles; I eat vegetables to nourish my body and make my sister happy; I will get radiation and surgery if they become options; I will join the thousands of people in prayer for the complete healing of my body knowing that God is able heal me of my cancer should He so choose; I will continue to nourish my heart with God's Word; and I will continue to live my life in the hope and strength He has given me for that day. As my physical situations changes, there may be more or less medical options available. When those days come, I will continue to rely on my Giver of Life.

Surrendering to God is giving up control.  I don't need to strive or accomplish. The control that I so badly desire is placed in the hands of the One who knows what is best for me. And I can rest in the knowledge that his plans are perfect. I choose to surrender.

Gaining Strength & Endurance... and Feistiness

Every new mom needs a break like this (although I wouldn't recommend having cancer as the excuse to get a break)! For the last six weeks, my family has taken over caring for my seven month old. I could look at this negatively and think of all of the 3 am feeds and poopy diapers I've missed... or I could think of it positively and think of how mommy has actually gotten several nights of good sleep and since I've had to stop breastfeeding I can go out by myself for more than 3 hours by myself! See... there's a good side to everything!

Last week I was given the go ahead to start physio. The earliest appointment I could get was for next week so I've been getting more active at home. My sister has loved providing me with reasons to do an extra flight of stairs. When I'd fuss about needing to go up the stairs, she'd say... physio! Or when I picked up my 16 pounds of a wiggling weight, I'd hear... physio! Even my niece was getting in on saying physio (which was usually followed by some giggles).

Since the handoff of the baton (my parents came down and relieved my sister et al earlier this week), I haven't heard physio said quite as much... but I have been doing a lot more.  Washing some dishes, a little laundry, cooking a meal, changing diapers (unfortunately I still haven't gained enough strength to change the poopy ones), snuggling my boy & even a couple night feeds... all major accomplishments for me these days!

I'm working to get enough strength & endurance to work my family out of a job of caring for me & my family. I've also been told I'm getting my feistiness back (was it ever gone?!?!). And I'm looking forward to the day when I can say thank you... but go home.

(Please note: I love my family and have told them over and over how much they mean to me and how grateful I am for who they are and how they've rearranged their lives for me. My desire to see them leave only reflects my desire to get stronger and be able to do the things that I can't do now.)

While they might have felt a little hurt when I told them that I'm trying to work them out of a job, they will learn to appreciate that future visits here will include cuddles & bottles... not 3am feeds and poopy diapers. Until that day, I will continue to thank God for the precious "extra" moments with family and I'm grateful for everything they have done for me and my family.

P.S. I got my sixth dose of chemo today wearing a beautiful new hat. I took a deck of cards to play while getting chemo.  I'm proud to say that even under the influence of 50mg of Benadryl, I can still beat my husband at Phase 10! All around, an uneventful and good day.

Going, Going, Gone!

My journey to a bald head is nearly done. While it is something I've been expecting all along the way, I've certainly gone through various stages of hair loss:

"I'm Going To Lose My Hair?" 2/15
But I love my curls... and not in an incredibly vain way. They're unique to me and just such a distinctive part of me and my personality. Maybe I'll be one of the few that only loses a little hair or doesn't lose any at all.  Here's to hoping...

"Whatever It Takes To Get Me Better" 2/21
The silly thing about losing my hair is that it's not a sign that I'm sick. It's a side effect of the chemo and so the stuff I'm wanting to get me better is going to make me look bad/sick. My hair will grow again... and I know that. It's just going to take a very long time to get back to the curls that I'm used to. If this is what it takes to get me better, then I guess so be it.

"It's Started" 3/7
A lot of my hair fell out in the shower & I got a hair brush full of hair today. I don't think I like this at all. I'm starting to look like I'm "sick" now. My head is itchy and sort of feels like perpetual pins and needles.  The irrational side of me doesn't want to wash my hair because then I'll lose more. I don't want this to happen and I'm a little scared.

"Chopped" 3/8
I couldn't handle all of that hair coming out so I took "control", got a short haircut, and tried on some wigs. While the cut wasn't the best and my hair is short, I was able to cut off my curls in a way that it could be used for a partial wig for me or someone else. Cutting my hair is taking control & losing control all at the same time. I'm not quite sure what I think of this hairdo but it's what I have to do.

"Can It Get Any Finer?" 3/18
And the answer is yes! So I just keep losing more hair. The haircut looked great compared to what I have now. My scalp is totally visible; my hairline has receded even farther (I'm looking more like my dad every day... but don't tell him). I need to have a vacuum next to my spot on the couch. When I turn over in bed at night, I'm choking my own hair that's fallen out on my pillow. This is just getting disgusting.

"No More" 3/19
There's no going back. It needs to be shaved. I'm sick of the hair falling out. Put the brush, shampoo, conditioner, mousse & gel into storage (at least I can save a little money in this area this year). Bring out the wig and wig stand (oh well, there goes that financial savings).  It's time to get rid of these flimsy, failing locks.

"It's Done" 3/20
Xhevat and I shaved my head. I cried.

My Response to "Fighting Cancer"

I've had a tough time of knowing how to respond when people tell me to fight this cancer. First of all, how do you fight cancer? With a Stage IV diagnosis of invasive metastatic breast cancer, I can't have surgery to get rid of it all. I don't believe I can eat my way to health. I can't walk it off or wish it away. I can't actively do anything. Other than getting chemo and doing my best to stay healthy, there is nothing that I can do to fight.

I think I understand the intentions behind "fighting cancer." No one wants to see cancer take over my body, cause me harm, or end in death. People want to see cancer knocked down into nonexistence in my body and that would show that I have "fought" and "conquered" cancer.

I'm fighting cancer with what my dear sister has termed as chemo-prayer-apy. It's a combination of:
1. chemotherapy: harsh drugs to kill fast growing cells as they try to divide and conquer in my body
2. prayer: and lots of it by many people... way more powerful than any drug or anything else we can discover or imagine
3. therapy: taking care of myself... body, mind and soul

But... I can get chemo, pray, and take care of myself and cancer could still ravage my body. So this is how I'm responding to the people who love me dearly and want to encourage me to never quit fighting cancer:

Dear Friend,

I'm doing well right now. Prayer & chemo are helping me a lot. I will continue to do what I can to try get rid of this cancer. I have an amazing husband and precious son.

But... the most important thing is how I live my life... not how many years. God has allowed breast cancer to be a part of my story. Like everyone else, I can choose to focus my life on Him or my circumstances. No matter how my story ends, I want people to see that my life has been about Jesus in me (and not cancer in me).

Thank you for loving me & supporting me. Please say hi to everyone & give them a big hug from me!

Krista

Finding Reasons To Celebrate

This week has been tough for me.

Physically, the side effects of my bone strengthening infusion were rough & good sleep has been hard to get. Emotionally, starting to lose my hair & almost not getting chemo were struggles. Spiritually (one night when things were feeling particularly dark), I pictured myself holding Jesus' hand while the waves were crashing around me. I was trying to keep my eyes on Him but the waves were too big and I couldn't hold on. The darkness felt all consuming and I was begging God to help me trust.

It's been rough.

So after talking with some people close to me, I'm learning to find reasons to be thankful & celebrate...

- My first cycle of chemo is done (and with minimal side effects)!
- We celebrated my hair cut (and International Women's Day) with an ice cream cake.
- Xhevat and I had some good laughs when I was trying on wigs (brunette, red & blonde!).
- A bright sunshiny day on Saturday!
- Some family time with just the three of us plus our dog.
- Family & friends who have given so much to help us out with meals, baby food, rides to appointments, emails, notes & phone calls, socks, gifts, etc.
- And today, I'm thankful for & celebrating ondansetron and another good doctor's appointment. He continues to be pleased with my progress & how I'm handling my treatment. I'm allowed to start some physio and I was feeling so good that I started to do a little around the house (first time in a month that I've done dishes & driven the car).
- We know that this journey will have many high and low moments. So more than anything I'm thankful that
even when I'm feeling overwhelmed and consumed by my circumstances, my God is.

What You Didn't Know You Were Praying For

Just got back from the Cancer Agency in Surrey and wanted to share a little bit of what you didn't know you were praying for.

Until now, I haven't looked like I'm sick. And since the pain in my back has been lessening, I've been moving more easily. Wednesday I pulled something in my lower back and then yesterday my hair started to fall out. Today a lot more fell out. I'm starting to look like I'm an oncology patient. Sleep didn't come easily last night as my heart was struggling with fear. I'm fighting a battle and I don't know how to fight.

When I arrived at the Cancer Agency this morning I was told that my bloodwork from yesterday came back with some values that were too low to receive chemo. We repeated the bloodwork this morning and thankfully they had come up just enough in the last 24 hrs to be able to get it. I was relieved and thankful that our prayers were answered in this way.

In a few minutes I'll be going to the salon to get my hair cut. It is very hard for me to watch myself loose all of my curls. I know that my beauty isn't in my curls. Losing my hair is making this journey even more of a reality. So I'm going to try and make it a little easier by cutting it shorter. It might all fall out, it might not.

Dad had asked me yesterday if he could take some pictures of me. I wasn't ready. Today with tears streaming down my face he took some pictures of the three of us and some of just Matias and me. My hair was down & Matias was playing with my curls. As his fingers played with my curls, some came out in his hand. I don't have the strength today today to post these pictures but I might someday.

Thank you for praying me through this day... even though you may not have known what you were praying for.

Together

I have been amazed by the support that I've received from friends and strangers... but I've been especially thankful for my family. When I got my diagnosis, my sister interrupted her family time to move in with us and take care of my family. Then came my mom... from Vietnam. She interrupted her plans there and came alone to care for my little boy. And then dad joined us this past Monday from Vietnam. He has been tasked with caring for our Beast (our affectionate name for our rather large dog) as well as helping mom out with Matias. And of course, Xhevat does anything and everything needed, wanted, and in between. And then there's the other half of my family overseas who wish they could be here to help physically but remind me daily that I'm in their prayers and encourage me like crazy in this fight. I'm very thankful for my family.

Monday:
I returned to the clinic where I was first put through all of the tests and diagnosed. It was good to be able to thank the nurses, doctors, and staff for their quick diagnosis & intervention and for how I've been set up with an amazing medical team. I also went to a different clinic in the same building to receive another infusion which should help strengthen my bones.

Tuesday:
The side effects of Monday's infusion have hit full force. Its like I've got the flu -- nausea & vomiting, muscles & bones aching, low grade fever & chills, my eyeballs even hurt... all in the name of strengthening my bones. Emotionally, not a good day.

Wednesday:
Another pajama day... but feeling better physically & in better spirits than yesterday. It seems that I'm just recovering in time to get knocked down by the next thing. I'll take today though as it has been better than yesterday!


Sometimes it feels like I've been fighting this cancer forever but I'm only three weeks into this journey... and (as my mom reminded me as we were crying together yesterday) I'm thankful that I'm not alone. We're on this journey together.

(The pretty flowers in the picture are from my coworkers in the PICU at Children's)

As his heart calmed, mine broke.

I had a rough morning today. We were all ready to leave for church when Matias threw up... and he threw up a lot. He scared himself when he threw up and wouldn't stop crying. Xhevat and mom stripped him down and he continued to cry. So I sat down in the rocking chair and got them to put Matias in my arms and I sang to him.

After a little bit of back arching, he heard my voice and those big eyes filled with tears looked into mine. He started to calm down. He knew my voice and was comforted by it. Eventually his eyes stopped tearing up, his body relaxed, and his hand started to play with my lips as I continued to sing to him.

As his heart calmed, mine broke. For the last few weeks, my husband, sister & mom have taken over caring for my boy. They've fed him, changed his diapers, bathed him, snuggled him, giggled with him, watched him learn new things... and I've just watched. That's been hard for me but with everything going on, I've had to let go of physically taking care of him. I'm so thankful for others that have helped and couldn't have gotten through these last few weeks without them.

But today as I held him in my arms and was able to sing him into a peaceful place, I was reminded that I couldn't be replaced. And that I still hold a very special place in my little boy's heart.

Chemo Fridays

I really have mixed feelings about Fridays because for me it means I get chemo. It feels strange & slightly twisted to want something so badly that you know is toxic.

A week ago during my second treatment I had a slight allergic reaction to it. My reaction itself was not concerning to me. I simply flushed red & felt my heart throbbing. The nurses immediately stopped my chemo and took my vitals. All was over in a matter of seconds to minutes.

However, sitting there knowing that my chemo was stopped was a horrible feeling. More than once I looked up at the bag of chemo on the IV pole and prayed. I prayed for the battle going on inside my body even with the slightest hint of chemo in me. I prayed that the rest of the infusion would be uneventful. I prayed that there would be no delay in treatment because of any further reactions. What I cared about was getting that toxic substance running into my veins so that my cancer cells would die. I liked what chemo was doing and wanted it in my body and not in the IV bag.

Every week before chemo I'm given some medications to try to prevent a reaction. So yesterday I got double the dose of Benadryl to try & prevent another reaction from happening. I had myself a good doze both during & after treatment and my chemo infusion was completely uneventful.

One doesn't usually hope and pray for cell death (or rather something about the stabilization of the microtubules and apoptosis according to my sister) but today this is my desire.

Other than my slight reaction, my body has liked chemo. My irritated liver has improved yet again this week as shown by my bloodwork and decrease in size. I have more energy and less pain than I've had at least for the last month. Other than pain from a fragile spine & some weakening muscles (oh yeah... and the cancer throughout my body), I feel fairly decent and my side effects from chemo haven't been too bad yet.

My sister, in an update she sent out earlier this week, reminded me of something very important. Knowing that I have thousands of people praying for me and my family, Nicole said that she was hesitant to give chemotherapy all the credit for my improvements. "I honestly don't know how much of the improvement is due to prayer versus medication."

So Fridays I am thankful for my Great Physician, chemo, and the prayers of thousands that are walking with me through this journey.

P.S. Below is a picture of me getting my chemo yesterday. It's just me attached to an IV sitting in a great big chair that reclines (and that may or may not be comfortable) for about 3 or 4 hours.