I'm Giving Up

I know I've expressed this but I just wanted to share that having that mask made on Thursday changed my heart.

Going into my appointment I was fearful, frozen & questioning. I felt anxious, terrified, and on edge about everything. I snapped at my parents. My patience was very short with Matias. My text messages with Xhevat were sharp. My sister was on the receiving end of my uneasiness.

It came down to: do I trust Him?

That mask made me choose and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. While surrendering under the discomfort of the mask and hands, I made a choice (again) to give up... to stop questioning and fighting and to let Him be and do.

Physically I know I'm declining. My muscles are weaker, I'm tiring more easily (although I can still go to church, lunch & shopping), my body is changing with medications and treatment. I know I'm going through a lot but as long as I have a fully functioning brain/emotions, that does not give me the right to treat my family rudely or disrespectfully (I'm very thankful for their grace and forgiveness with me). Self control and my relationships are too important.

Spiritually, I either choose to live in Him or I take control. I'm trying to continually give up & I had to force myself to do that under the weight of the mask.

I have experienced such peace and freedom since giving up under that mask. My smile is true and brighter. And His names on my wall remind me of just a few of the promises He is to me through these days. His peace, comfort, joy & hope are unashamedly imprinted on my heart.

I can breathe more easily.

This is what I want and need for Christmas... not the turkey or cranberries, not the presents under the tree, not a specific day of the year, or dare I even say, not even the family. Those traditions are wonderful and it would be very different if I didn't have them... but right now I just desperately want that little Baby in the manger in my life.

I am in awe of how He changed my heart under that mask & through His names.

Radiation in 2 1/2 hours: here's to a mistranslated saying (tshirt from the same giver of my boob & ovary cakes... I love my friend) and moving forward in His love. Bring on radiation & Christmas celebrations!