It's Time

I went in for radiation planning today, had a CT of my head, and they made a mask of my face (the mask gets strapped onto the bed and immobilizes my head while getting radiation; there's less of a margin of error with whole brain radiation on my second time around... so the solution is to get really good pictures & be as precise as possible by making sure I don't move).

The process goes something like this. A piece of plastic is heated in hot water and when it is malleable, it is placed across your face and clamped down to the table for a few minutes until it cools and hardens.

It may sound simple enough but your entire head is literally smothered in a wet, thick plastic sheet. I could breathe through my nose but not my mouth. I couldn't open my eyes. It was difficult to swallow or even give a guttural "uh-huh." The plastic part under my chin dug into my throat. And then they applied pressure to shape the plastic to your face -- it felt like four hands restraining & assaulting my face & neck.

But yet it was strangely calming at the same. I had a choice. I could either fight it and freak out or slow my heart and surrender into the discomfort. I slowed down my breathing, pretended I was getting a facial at the spa, and just repeated back to God what I know is true of who He is.

It's time. Time for more radiation... whatever the consequences may be. It's time to turn the page and start a new chapter. I've been given much and so I will try to give back as much as I'm able. It's time to let the uncomfortable be what it is and give up fighting... let Him be in control again (as He should be).

I'm sure that I will wander off this path of peace but I'm on it right now and I'm content to be here.

It's time. Bring on another CT tomorrow and radiation on Monday.

One last breath before being...

Smothered.

Getting locked in.

Fighting fears.

Surrendering.

The end result.